


But the Memories Remain

by Star_stream



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Brotherly Bonding, Everything after chapter 64 of the manga doesn't exist, I'm So Excited, M/M, Mama Shima makes an appearance in chapter 7!, Mild Gore, Multi, Rating may change as we go, Renzou is an idiot but we love him, Rin and Renzou are totes buddies and you can't change my mind, Ryuji and Renzou are my boys, Seriously I love the Shimas, Slow Burn, Tags May Change, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Trust Issues, When I say slow burn I mean hella slow burn, i named her azami, i've missed this fandom, its only like 3 sentences, kind of oc I guess since we know nothing about her, like i got 3 arcs before the love starts, manga spoilers for anime watchers, so much is going on, we got angst here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:21:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22307830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Star_stream/pseuds/Star_stream
Summary: Canon divergent, from Chapter 64 on. Because I said so. Set 4 years after the events against the Illuminati, all contact with Shima Renzou has been cut. None of his family, nor any of his former friends, have seen or heard from him since then, and to say its got them concerned would be an understatement. Every trail has gone cold, and the searches have, for the most part, stopped. Ryuji and Renzou had been in a relationship before the Tamer had disappeared, but after so long, its hard to tell where Ryuji's feelings lie.After a particular phone call, Ryuji's world is flipped upside down, leaving him to make a big decision. Will he forgive the man who broke his heart? Where will they go from there? And why is Renzou struggling to function on his own?Forgiveness doesn't come easy, and traitors never promise twice.
Relationships: Moriyama Shiemi/Okumura Yukio, Shima Renzou/Suguro "Bon" Ryuuji
Comments: 33
Kudos: 44





	1. The Past Always Bites Back

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello hello, after about 8 years I have fallen back into the Blue Exorcist fandom and dammit I don't regret it. I almost forgot my love for these characters. Especially Shima, he's always been a personal fave. Anyway, I've had this idea the last couple weeks so I decided I should finally write this shit down! As stated, this is canon divergent, from the manga. Anime only watchers, this will contain some spoilers right away, but manga readers will be fine. Please leave kudos, and if you're up to it a comment as well! It's very much appreciated!

The raid of the Illuminati Headquarters to rescue both Izumo and Renzou had been…well, it had been partially successful. They had managed to get Izumo back, but Renzou had disappeared into the shadows somewhere. In the time that followed, there was a search, and every clue or hint was followed, only to come up empty. By their third and final year at True Cross, there were no more leads. No leads, no hints, no search parties. Renzou's phone always went to voicemail, and he had been written off as dead at the end of their last year. It had been four years since the Illuminati incident, and both Renzou's friends and family had finally resigned to the fact that he was dead.

Except Ryuji. Even still, he continued to search for Renzou. He had things to say, things to ask. He wouldn't rest until he had definite proof of their dead friend, or he found him. That was Ryuji for you, a stubborn streak that couldn't be broken no matter what. But no one told him not to; they all knew how important Renzou was to him. That being said, he hadn't been home since the goofy guy he had always known had gone missing. He refused to until Renzou was found. His main contact about the situation back home was Kinzou, who kept tabs on anything he heard and would report back to Ryuji on a weekly basis. Kinzou hadn't truly given up, either.

The blond musician understood how Ryuji felt, the elder Aria had done his share of mission searches and attempts to commune with something, anything, to get some kind of sign. Maybe it was the simple fact that he was only four years older than Renzou that it hit closer to home. He couldn't stand the thought of losing his baby brother; he had already lost his eldest brother all those years ago, like hell was he going to lose the youngest brother. It was eerie how the two brothers who looked most alike where the two currently missing from his life. It was concerning _at best_. That was the biggest reason he dropped everything he was holding when the familiar name flashed across his phone, the old ringtone jingling in his ears.

He ignored Juzo's protests, fumbling and nearly dropping his phone as he ran off. He let the phone go to voicemail to see if a message would be left, but the moment the call should have gone to voicemail it started to ring again. The older Shimas had always told Renzou that if it's an emergency, don't leave a voicemail, just keep calling until they answer. That was enough proof for him. It took him a moment to answer, his hands shaking. " _You better have an explanation, kid,_ " he hissed into the phone. He held his breath for a moment, sighing softly when he heard a familiar, albeit weak and tired, laugh. " _I swear, we've been looking everywhere for you!_ "

"Mmm…" came the soft reply. "Eventually…now isn't the time…I need help…"

Help. His baby brother needed help. "Help with what?" He tried to keep his voice casual when he heard Juzo walk in and trying to question him; instantly he held a finger out to Juzo to silence him. "What can I do? Where are you?"  
  
"I'm trying to come home…" he mumbled. "But my legs won't walk anymore…" Renzou laughed weakly, though honestly it was no laughing matter. "I'm so tired, Kinzou…I can't keep going…."

The blond's breath hitched just a bit, hand tightening around his phone. "Hey hey, no talking like that," he chided gently. "Where are you? We can come get you. Wait, I'm dumb, I can just look up your location by pinging your phone now that it's actually on. Stay right where you are, got it? Juzo and I are coming for you."

"I believe you. Please…"

"We got ya, just hang on." He hung up and pinged Renzou's phone, saving a screenshot before hurriedly going through his contacts.

"Kinzou." Juzo finally spoke up, watching his younger brother stick the tip of his tongue out in heavy concentration. "What are you volunteering me for? We need to-"

"Renzou. He needs us."

The darker haired brother went silent, processing what he had been told. His eyes widened in realization, before grabbing Kinzou's arm and tugging him close. " _You're sure?_ " he whispered. " _You have 100% certainty it was him?"_

" _He didn't leave a voicemail and immediately called back like we told him,"_ he whispered back, looking him in the eye. He was determined, and nothing Juzo said would detour that. " _He sounded like he was in trouble, like hell I'm going to leave him hanging."_

" _I understand how you feel, but what about our duties here?"_

_"If you're not going to help then just say so."_

Juzo had to take a moment to really think about it, hand over his eye and sighing heavily. If it really was Renzou, and he really needed their help, then it would be rather cruel to leave him. Renzou had been a missing piece, and Shimas stuck together. His wife could handle things at the monastery while he and Kinzou were gone. He finally let his hand drop. "You're Right."

Kinzou smirked. "Say that again."

"Not the time." He grounded himself before he went into serious mode. "Let me tell Mamushi what's happened and get a few first aid supplies."

The blond nodded. "Go, I have an important call to make." Finding what he had been looking for, he hit dial as he quickly chanted _c'mon c'mon c'mon, answer_ repeatedly. He heard the other line click and didn't even give them a chance to speak. "We found him."

There was a long pause. "….what…?"

"We found him, Bon," he repeated. "Renzou _called_ me like five minutes ago, Juzo and I are going to go get him."

There was a heavy sigh, followed by an even longer silence.

Kinzou waited, before speaking up. "When's the soonest you can get here?"

"I'm in a mission right now but…I can get off of it. If I tell them it's a family emergency they'll let me leave." It wasn't a lie not really; the Shimas had always been considered family, and Renzou was a very special case. "I'll get on the next train out after I pack. Text me when he's in your care."

"Yeah, of course," Kinzou promised. "You'll be first to know."

"Okay…Thanks, Kinzou."

The blond smiled faintly, looking to a now ready to go Juzo. "We gotcha." He hung up, grabbing his k'rik as he walked to Juzo. "Let's go, it's going to get dark soon, we don't want to handle more demons than necessary."

The eldest nodded. "Plus its getting colder out. If he's as rough as you seem to think, the cold could do him in." There was a determined nod between them before they went running, map open on Kinzou's phone.

* * *

Ryuji had managed to get away from the mission, with Konekomaru in tow. He hadn't explained to his shorter friend when they left, but knew that if he didn't bring the Aria along then he'd get an earful when Konekomaru found out. The two and Rin had been living together to save money since graduation, so Ryuji had decided the conversation would be back home. And Konekomaru didn't question it; Ryuji had what Rin called a "murder walk" when he was upset about something, and if he displayed it anytime, now was definitely that time. It took several minutes for Ryuji to calm down enough to talk to his roommates, the three now sitting in the living room. He heaved a sigh before looking at Konekomaru. "Kinzou called." He watched his friend's brows furrow in slight confusion. "They found him."

The smallest of the group stared as he processed what Ryuji said. He gasped softly, eyes wide behind his oval lenses. " _They found him?_ " he whispered, as if afraid to jinx it.

"Kinzou got a call from him."

Rin glanced between them for a moment, a little slow on the uptake. "Uh…found who?" His tail flicked in curiosity.

He stared at him, rubbing his temples. "Sometimes I forget just how stupid you are." Rin opened his mouth to protest but Ryuji cut him off. "Renzou. His brother got a call from him earlier."

" _Holy shit._ " That pretty much summed up everyone's thoughts on the matter. After four years, they _finally_ got the sign they had been looking for. Rin looked up at Ryuji, gnawing his lip as he tried to find the right thing to say. "So…what's the plan now?"

He sighed, shifting in his seat. "I told Kinzou I would take the next train up, but.." His brows furrowed and lips pursed. "I'm not entirely sure if it's the right decision."

"Don't try to act tough and that it's not important to you," Rin groaned, shifting to move himself to the edge of the table. "You've spent the last four years dutifully snagging every hint and investigating it like your life depended on it. You've _never_ given up on him, and you know as well as I do that if you gave up _now_ , that you'd tear yourself apart. I dare you to tell me I'm wrong." When Ryuji responded with a sigh, the demon continued. "Bon. Ryuji. You _need_ to see him. Whether to get answers or get closure, you need to see him."

"I…I think Rin is right." Konekomaru fiddled with his jacket. "As hard as it is to think about, I really think we need to go home…" He took a breath. "We need to. As much as we don't want to admit it."

Ryuji groaned, running his hands over his face and into his dark hair. "I hate that you're both right."

"Hey, why don't we all go?" Rin yelped as a pillow was thrown at him. "No no no, listen! The rest of us may not have had as much of a connection as you two did, but he was still our friend and classmate. I know Shiemi would be hurt if she didn't get to see him again. You guys aren't the only ones that need closure. We were all hurt by his betrayal and disappearance." He paused a moment, tail moving side to side lazily as Kuro jumped into his lap meowing. He snickered. "Kuro agrees, so I think that settles it."

He exhaled slowly, letting his hands drop into his lap. His phone dinged with a new message, his shoulders relaxing considerably when he read it. "They got him."

Konekomaru nodded. "Then, I guess that settles it…let's take the train first thing in the morning. We have to pack and I think we all need some time to wrap our minds around it all…" He and Ryuji needed to think more than anything.

With that decided, the three went to pack in their respective rooms, Ryuji locking his door. It was rare he did that, but it was a clear sign that he wasn't taking this well. He ended up pacing around his room for a while, indecisive about what he was going pack and if it was even a good idea. After a good half hour, he finally just sat on the floor with his back against his bed, tugging his phone from his pocket. He called the first person he could think of; he needed some advice.

Three rings before the line clicked to life. "Okumura Yukio speaking."

"Hey Sensei." It was a little weird to keep calling Yukio that, but it just seemed fitting at the moment. "You got a second?"

There was a muffled sound on the other end, before Yukio let out a sigh. "I can make time," he replied simply. "Is there something wrong?"

"I just need some advice," Ryuji replied. "You were the first person I could think of to call." When Yukio hummed, he continued. "I don't know if I'm making the right decision and I could really use your opinion on this."

Yukio clicked his tongue a little. "I'm not sure how much help I can be, but I will do my best. What's happened?"

"Well…" He started explaining how Kinzou had been his intel back home in the off chance Renzou came back, how they had been in contact every week since the searches stopped. He told Yukio about the call, and what Konekomaru and Rin had said about the situation. "And after a half hour I still don't know if I'm making the right decision in going home, or if I should just bail out."

Yukio was quiet for a moment, a faint hum leaving him. "Well…how are you feeling right now?"

Ryuji clenched his jaw a bit. "…Angry. Hurt. Worried. But a little happy. I'm still pissed and hurt about him being a damn traitor. We confided in him, _trusted_ him. But even then, I've been worried as hell. Not knowing where or how he is has driven me up the damn wall. The waiting… _God, the waiting…._ I couldn’t take it anymore."  
  
"And yet, you're happy?"

"Yeah…and relieved. Like…he's _alive_ , I can get my closure."

Yukio clicked his tongue. "Is it closure you really want?" he asked. "You forget, I know the _real_ reason you broke. If he was never found, or turned up dead, you would never heal. You would still be looking for him. This isn't about closure." He cleared his throat. "That being said, I think going to Kyoto is a great idea. Not only would it be good for you and Konekomaru as a whole to go home, but knowing that he's there, you could possibly get your questions answered. And you wouldn't have to deal with it alone. In fact, I wouldn't mind coming with you as a support." And for his own curiosities.

He gave a quiet laugh. "You're brother made a similar comment. Said we should all go because you're all friends with him too…"

"Well, he's not wrong," he chuckled. Yukio paused for a moment. "Would you like for us to come with you?"

"…Yeah. Please."

* * *

The two brothers had been gone for just over two hours when they rushed back into the Shima household, Juzo carrying a clearly unconscious and battered Renzou and taking him back to his old room. He had told Kinzou and Mamushi as he rushed down the hall to get blankets, a heating pack and water. He had been in the bedroom for an hour or so, trying to get his baby brother's temperature under control, heartbeat back to normal, and just make sure he was comfortable before he would leave him to recover. Once he was sure Renzou could be left alone, Juzo headed out to talk with his brother and his wife, making sure to completely shut Renzou's door. He sighed heavily, coming to sit beside Mamushi.

She placed her hand over her husband's. She had watched the panic in the siblings' faces over the last few years as they desperately looked for Renzou. "How is he?" she asked softly.

"Well, he's stable," he replied. "I got his heartbeat under control, his skin isn't like touching ice anymore…still unconscious tho." He ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know what's happened to him, but he's stable for the time being…"

"That's good, at least." Mamushi glanced between her husband and brother-in-law. "Where was he? You two looked exhausted."

Kinzou laughed quietly. "Honestly he wasn't terribly far, about two and a half miles north? But when we got there he was already unconscious. We thought it was going to be easy but…"

"Yamantaka wouldn't let us near him at first," Juzo mumbled. "It was quite difficult; you know Yamantaka's power. It wasn't like we could just slip in, we had to fight and subdue him to get to Renzou. It was rather tedious at best but we managed."

"I thought he was gonna kill him," the blond admitted. "Like honestly? I know Yamantaka was passed to Renzou after big bro died, but Renzou doesn't like using him and isn't strong enough to handle him. I wouldn't be surprised if Yamantaka was taking all the energy he has and that's why his legs wouldn't carry him anymore." He shrugged. "I mean, it sounds like a possibility. Right?"

"That's a pretty good theory," Mamushi hummed, smirking slightly. "So you _can_ be bright."

When Kinzou let out a yell and Mamushi laughed, Juzo sighed heavily. "Back to the topic at hand…there's one thing none of us have thought about. Father." The other two made noises of discomfort. "We can't keep skirting around our duties to go take care of Renzou. We're going to have to tell him."

"Are you insane??" Kinzou hissed. "Father will rip him apart! He may have survived today but if we snitch to father he's as good as dead!"

"I doubt Yaozo would actually kill one of his children. He may have threatened it in the past, but losing Takezo probably changed his mindset." Mamushi shifted in her seat, hands in her lap. "In all honesty, I think the fact that we were all so certain Renzou was dead was a hit to him too." She looked at Juzo. "I can't imagine how it must feel to lose two children…" She then cleared her throat to continue, pulling their sleepy son into her lap. "In any case, he may be angry at first, but I think in the end he will be relieved. Hiding this will only make it harder. "We need to tell him-"

"Tell me what?" The three hadn't heard their father enter the room, all startled and glancing between each other before looking at him. He raised a brow, one hand on the door frame. "…What aren't you three telling me?"


	2. The Place Where I Belong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some friend and family bonding. Ryuji finally comes out to his friends, Juzo and Renzou have a heart to heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies, I come with another chapter! Honestly I'm so in love with this fic that I really hope I can continue this. I've gotten a few positive responses, which is very exciting to me! So thank you for that, and I'm really hoping that the upward momentum will continue! This chapter is a little shorter than the last, but don't worry, chapter 3 will most likely be long based on my chapter outline. Enjoy!

That night had been rather rough for Ryuji, leaving him to spend most of it just staring at the ceiling in uncertainty. He still questioned if he was making the right choice by going back, but he knew deep down that everyone had been right; if he didn't face Renzou, he would be filled with regret and guilt if his condition was deadly. Even if Renzou had essentially ripped his heart out of his chest in revealing himself as the traitor, made him feel stupid and question everything that had ever happened between them. He had been truly hurt, worse than any physical injury. This visit was going to determine a lot of things for him, including his future.

The ragtag group-Ryuji, Konekomaru, Rin with Kuro, Yukio and Shiemi-had met outside the train station around 9am, much to Rin's chagrin. They were lucky that the train to Kyoto was empty, allowing them to speak openly about the situation. They had been confirming information the last ten minutes. Ryuji had been rather quiet, only speaking when he was directly spoken to; that was fine, however, because Rin and Shiemi seemed to carry the conversation rather well. "I think what it ultimately comes down to is the guilt factor," Rin said, as if it was absolute fact. "Cause I don't know about the rest of you, but like…he wasn't _him_ , ya know what I mean? Does that even make sense?"  
  
"You mean that he wasn't acting like the person we know," Yukio mumbled, looking at the file he managed to get-Thank you Mephisto-on Renzou; it had his records at True Cross, and what little information they had that was provided by the class. It had been a while so Yukio needed a refresher.

"Yeah! That's what I mean! So yeah, like, he showed no guilt last time we saw him, if nothing changed then I think we need to drop this."

Shiemi made a small noise of disagreement the back of her throat. "Rin, I know where you're coming from but…he was our friend once, I think we need to give him a chance. It's been so long, his mindset could have changed. It feels wrong to just give up…"

"What do you mean?"

"I think she's referring to…you know, when we found out who you were…" Konekomaru hummed, rubbing at his arm a little. "We all had kind of been friends before…then the rest of us withdrew from you without giving you a chance. You proved yourself and everything is relatively okay."

The blonde nodded exuberantly. "Yes, exactly! Thank you, Konekomaru!" She smiled brightly before looking at Rin again, who looked like he was thinking about the analogy. "Depending on his condition, I think we should give him a chance to prove himself to us. That he's a good person."

"That's questionable at best…but I get what you mean…" the demon mumbled with a pout. He looked across from him at Ryuji, who was just staring out the window. He hated how defeated Ryuji looked, it just wasn't like him. It felt _wrong_. He hesitated, before reaching out and tapping Ryuji's knee to get his attention. "Hey…" he said quietly as Ryuji glanced at him. "How are you feeling?"

Ryuji blinked slowly before he simply stared at Rin like he had grown an extra set of eyes. "What does it look like?" He hissed back, kicking him in the shin.

Rin yelped, whining a little in protest. He pouted as he rubbed his shin. "I can't tell," he replied simply. "I don't read minds, dude. I can only make out a little, that you look fucking defeated. But I can't tell what you're really feeling."

He huffed, jaw clenched for a moment as he stared at his lap. He didn't want to talk about this, it really wasn't anyone else's business. But before he could stop himself, the words were tumbling out of his mouth. "Honestly I don't know exactly what I'm feeling. There's a lot going on in my head. I'm still angry at him, I'm angry for what he did, for going behind my back and fucking _lying_ to me. And I'm fucking _hurt_. Knowing he lied, knowing he had no remorse for it, that he just dropped _everything_ we had worked so hard for, it feels like he took my heart and just crushed it under his boots!" He had to take a moment, pressing his palms to his eyes. He could feel himself starting to cry, and like hell was he going to cry in public. He tensed a little at feeling a hand on his shoulder, but realized it was Shiemi. She had gotten out of her seat to comfort him in some way. Ryuji took several deep breaths like that, before slowly pulling his hands away. His eyes were red but he had gotten himself under control. "I'm scared," he finally admitted. "I don't know why he did it; he said it wasn't because of me, I can't help but think that it was. And I'm afraid that everything about our relationship was a _lie_."

Rin blinked rapidly. "Wait, you guys were dating that whole time??"

"Yes, you fucking idiot, we were dating before True Cross."

Konekomaru sighed, pulling the back of Ryuji's shirt to make him sit back. "It wasn't something they were very open about, they would have gotten into a lot of trouble with the Myodani…mostly with Renzou's dad, he would be furious. So they kept it private, even once we started school, because they were worried that word would get back to him."

The demon cocked his head, lips pursed. "But…I remember him having a lot of magazines of women and dirty stuff."

"Rin, he's bisexual," Yukio explained. "It means you like both men and women."

He stared. "Holy shit, that’s a thing?"

There was a collective groan from the group, Ryuji letting out a sigh and rubbing his temples. Weirdly enough, talking about it had made him feel a little better. Which was honestly a strange concept. He went quiet again, listening to Yukio explain sexualities to his brother, smiling faintly. At least he wasn't going through this alone.

* * *

Over the course of the night, Juzo and Kinzou had taken turns taking care of their little brother, and after breakfast it was Juzo's turn. He had managed to save some for Renzou, and had brought it in and helped his baby brother like he had when Renzou was just a tot. Everything seemed to be a huge effort for the formerly pink haired Shima, and it worried Juzo a lot. They had been sitting in the mostly dark room the last ten minutes, just quiet with Juzo running his hands through the young man's hair. He had been the only one to really fully see Renzou's condition when he had changed him out of that damned uniform. He hadn't really had the time to explain it all. He sighed heavily, watching as Renzou opened his eyes at the sound. The bandages on his face didn't come close to showing how bad he was. Juzo smiled softly at him. "Still awake?"

Renzou snickered a little, unconsciously keening into his big brother's touch. "Yeah, kinda…I started to fall asleep tho…"

He hummed, pulling his hand away to rest on the floor. "How are you feeling? And 'like shit' doesn't count as an answer."

He clicked his tongue. "Damn. You saw right through me."

"I just know you take after Kinzou in the smart ass department." He chuckled when Renzou stuck his tongue out at him. "…you had a lot of people really worried about you, you know… _a lot_ of people…" He paused, watching his brother's expression fall and eyes adverting. "You have a lot of people who love you, Renzou…we all looked for you for a really long time…"

"Don't lie, I'm a damn disappointment," he grumbled from under his blanket. "I know dad thinks so, because he always gets mad at me for dumb shit."

"Renzou, he loves you, he just-"

"Expects me to live up to Takezo." Juzo went quiet at that, sighing heavily. "Don't act like its not true. _I'm_ the one who looks like him, _I'm_ the one who inherited Yamantaka. That’s just facts, Juzo. Straight facts."

He stayed quiet for a long moment. "…I know you're right. You should have never had that expectation placed on you. And I regret that you inherited Yamantaka. It was most likely because you weren't even a year old. In the end, these are the things that happened, and we can't change that. I'm sorry, but there's no changing the past."

"Yeah, I know…" Renzou sighed. "Still, makes it hard to even _want_ to follow in his footsteps…I'm not him, and I never will be…I'd rather everyone be mad at me than keep pretending to be someone I'm not…" He rolled onto his side, hissing in pain as he tried to get comfortable again. "Sometimes I think dad forgets I'm not big bro's replacement, that I'm not him no matter how much he may want me to be. We all know that he ever really found peace over it." He glanced up at Juzo. "Sometimes I feel bad, because it hard to grieve when you don't remember the dead, ya know…? I only have pictures and the stories everyone tells me. No actual memories. But its hard to care when you ever knew them, especially when you're being held to the same standard. Face it, dad didn't want _me_ , he wanted Takezo back."

Juzo listened carefully, noticing how emotionless his little brother's voice got the more he spoke about it. It was sad to listen to, but he couldn't blame Renzou for how he felt. He sighed, gently rubbing his brother's shoulder. "I know. I've seen how vacant and bored you get on Takezo's birthday, or the anniversary of his death, when father has us all go to the alter. Even when you were little you didn't understand why you were there." Their parents still kept up the alter for Takezo from 20 years ago, and Yaozo had forbidden it be taken down. Losing his first son had torn him apart, even if he didn't show it. "But father loves you for you, Renzou. He loves us all, even if he doesn't show it in the best way."

"Yeah, well…" He ran a hand over his face carefully, fingers catching on the bandages covering his right eye. "Does he know I'm here? He's probably pissed."

"You know everyone is furious with you, right?" Juzo asked him, raising a brow.

"Even you?"  


"Even me."

He whistled. "Well damn. Never thought that was possible."

The elder of the two rolled his eyes a bit. "I wouldn't see that as an accomplishment…but yes, father knows. Kinzou and I asked him to wait until you had been conscious for more than five minutes before he ripped you a new one."

"How generous."

He didn't get to say anything more, his door sliding open with a loud _SMACK_. Yaozo was glaring daggers at his youngest son, making Renzou squeak a little as he tried to hide under his blanket. He had waited long enough. " **What the hell were you thinking?!** "

* * *

Rin let out a happy squeak, stretching his arms and tail as they climbed off the train. " _Hnnnnngh_ , finally! Thought we'd never get here!"

"It was only two hours," Konekomaru mumbled. "It really wasn't that long…"

"Still!"

"Both of you can hush it." Ryuji wasn't even looking at them, looking at his phone and texting Kinzou. "Kinzou is outside to pick us up."

Yukio nodded, adjusting his glasses. "We shouldn't keep him waiting, then." He rolled his eyes and a quiet muttering from Rin about him being too formal. "Let's go."

A collective nod was shared by the group, Ryuji leading the way. He doubted that Kinzou had changed much, if at all. Kinzou had always been one of the most laid back and scattered of the Shimas, though Renzou was close second. He had to take after _someone_ , after all. He smiled faintly at the thought, before grounding himself again as he led them out of the station. As he had expected, it was bustling, but if he just spotted a mop of blond… A loud whisper came from the left, and sure enough it was Kinzou. There were greetings between the crew, with Kinzou keeping a hand on Ryuji's back in solidarity. Finally, Ryuji looked at him. "How is he?"

Kinzou had expected it, but it was still rough to hear how torn Ryuji was. "Bon, you're not gonna believe this shit."


	3. I Didn't Ask For it to Be This Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kinzou picks everyone up. Yaozo and Renzou have a Father-son talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this wasn't as long as I thought it would be, but I'm still pleased! Things will be heating up in the story soon, and not in a fluffy way. As stated in the tags, this will be a slow burn. These boys got some issues to work through first. Regardless, here we are, enjoy.

Kinzou had rented a decent sized van for the trip back to the Myodani strong hold, with Ryuji sitting in the passenger seat next to him and the other four sitting behind them. He had thought it would be easier to talk about everything. "So where do you want me to start? When we got the call or after we got him home?" He knew if he gave a lot of trivial details that Ryuji would get pissed off.

Ryuji sat back, arms folded over his chest and just staring blankly out the windshield. This was taking a bigger toll on him than he had expected. He exhaled slowly when he felt Konekomaru's supportive hand on his shoulder. "From after you got off the phone with me."

The blond whistled a little. "Alright then. So, I had managed to ping his location and saved it, so we could track him down. Which I'm so glad we were finally able to do, I can't tell you how many times we tried. Juzo and I went after him-You know the weird thing about it? He was only like two and a half miles north from us. So thankfully it really didn't take long to get there since it was starting to get dark…"

Everyone noticed the long pause after Kinzou had trailed off. Konekomaru clumsily poked the back of the blond's arm. "Well?"

He made a small groaning sound, as if trying to find the right words. "Well…that's where things get a little weird." He frowned, brows furrowed. "He was unconscious, which we had expected, and at first everything was fine. But when we went to pick him up, it's like…Yamantaka tried to attack us."

Ryuji whipped his head around in disbelief. "What?"

"Yeah, that was my reaction too. Renzou has always had issues with Yamantaka but it's never like, assumed control of everything. It reminded me of when and animal is trying to protect their owner, but it was more menacing. And like, deadly. It wouldn't let us get a hold of him for quite a while. We had to beat it back and subdue it. Which took like an hour or something."

"That's fucking dangerous, isn't it?" Rin asked. He didn't know all the details about Yamantaka, just what he had learned from the incident.

"Yamantaka is one of the Five Great Wisdom Kings of Shingon Buddhism," Yukio explained. "Specifically, The Defeater of Death, a manifestation of Buddah Amitabha." He glanced to the three Myodani members. "Correct?"

Konekomaru nodded. "Mhmn. Essentially, breaking out of the cycle of reincarnation, or terminating death."

"So let me get this straight," Rin replied, obviously still trying to wrap his mind around it. "His familiar is like…uh…"

"A God," Ryuji finished. "His familiar is a God, since he was really young."

There was a long pause as the others processed what was just said. "So…" Shiemi mumbled. "He's had his familiar since he was little? Like…he summoned it? Like I did with Nii?"

"Mmm, not exactly," Kinzou replied. "His familiar was inherited. When our older brother died, Yamantaka was passed to Renzou, who wasn't even a year old yet. We didn't even know until he was about three and summoned him on accident while these knuckleheads were playing." He rubbed the back of his neck. "They tried to train him to use his familiar but honestly? A God is too much for a child to handle. I can't tell you the number of times he just passed out. By the time he was eleven he started fighting back, refusing to summon him or train. Which was why it kinda came as a shock to see him use it…." It took Kinzou a moment to knock himself back in the conversation. "Where was I?"

"Yamantaka attacking you and Juzo," Yukio supplied helpfully.

"Thanks! But yeah, it was fucking brutal! We managed to seal it for the time being, so Juzo carried him home. And that was that. Still kinda reeling about it all though. Honestly, I wouldn't believe all this if I hadn't seen it myself."

Ryuji nodded a little, quite obviously thinking about something. When the others started talking amongst themselves, he spoke to Kinzou quietly. "How is he? What's his condition?"

The blond squirmed in his seat a little. "I was hoping you wouldn't ask me that…" That was always a clear sign that Kinzou was hiding. Always had been, always will be, and Ryuji knew it. "Oh come on, don't look at me like that, Bon…" They way Kinzou said it sounded so much like his little brother.

Ryuji stared at him, brow arched and lips pressed into a thin line. He wanted-no, he needed to know what condition he was walking into. He needed to know if he needed to make amends now in case Renzou was going to die. "Kinzou. Be honest with me."

More squirming from the older blond. "Aw man…c'mon, give me a break…" When Ryuji's gaze didn't waver he finally sighed. He had to relent to Ryuji, whether he liked it or not. "Well…he's alive, if that helps…Seems to be pretty exhausted, he hasn't left his room, Juzo has been in his room the most to take care of him. I don't really know the details…" When Ryuji groaned, he shrugged. "I'm sorry I can't give you more detail than that. It's best if yo just see and talk to him yourself."

* * *

After Juzo had managed to get the situation with his father settled, he had left him with Renzou at their father's request. The two sat in silence for quite a while, neither of them knowing what to say to each other. They both had a lot they wanted to say, but neither knew where to start. Renzou had barely made a sound when Yaozo finally spoke up. "I can't pretend to understand what happened. I understand you've made your decisions, however much I disagree with them. I don't believe the path you've gone down is the best for you-"

"I don't think you know what is best for me," Renzou interrupted, staring down at his lap bitterly. "You've only ever told us that it was our duties to protect and maintain the Myodani. That it was my job to keep Bon safe even at the risk of my own life." He gave a dry, emotionless laugh. "Imagine thinking that’s your only purpose in life. That you're only meant to protect someone and die. Kind of fucked up when you think about it."

Yaozo clenched his jaw a bit, but he took a deep breath. He wanted to get angry, to tell Renzou off. But that wasn't what his youngest son needed, not now. No amount of yelling was going to help the situation. "I understand that you may be…resentful?" He wasn't even really sure how his son was feeling, only getting the bitter tone in his voice. "That wasn't our intention. We were only following what our family has always done-"

"I wasn't given a choice," he mumbled. "My fate was decided for me. I wanted the freedom of choice, to be able to do as I pleased, especially after going to True Cross. I envied everyone who could make their own choices. But I was stuck…stuck in a wheel of repetitive and boring duties."

He sighed heavily, running his hand over his face and trying to keep himself calm. It took him several minutes to calm himself. He knew deep down that Renzou was right. But it was nothing that hadn't been done for generations in the Shima family, it never really occurred to him that any of them wanted different; sure, Kinzou had joined a band, but he was still dedicated to his role in the Myodani regardless. With all his other children accepting their roles with no hesitation, Yaozo had never thought that it wasn't what Renzou wanted. "I can't say I understand why you would choose something so…risky. It…" He pressed his lips together, trying to get the words out. "It worries me, Renzou. I'm worried."

Renzou sighed, licking his lips a little in thought and fiddling with his hands. It was strange to hear such rare concern in his father's voice. He hadn't heard that concern since he was a child. He swallowed thickly before he sighed. "I know this wasn't what you and mom wanted for me. I was supposed to be passive like the others. That just wasn't me."

Yaozo nodded a bit, staring at his son's anxious fidgeting; why hadn't ever noticed that little action before. Had he really missed that much? Did he even know Renzou at all? He cleared his throat a bit, pulling himself back on track. "And you?" he asked, looking to his son's face again. "What was it that you wanted?"

He hummed, glancing up just slightly. "I only wanted to actually be a kid. I was never able to be a real kid, I was a kid with a duty to protect someone else. That such a heavy weight on a little kid, ya know?"

"I suppose…"

"I know it's Shima tradition and all that, that I should be honored, blah blah blah…" He ran a hand through his now naturally dark hair. "But it just wasn't me. It…I had no control over anything. Not saying I regret watching over Bon, he's become one of the most important people in my life." That was a huge understatement. "I just got tired of being told regularly that it was my job. Having to train constantly for something I once again had no choice in. So when I had the opportunity to have freedom of choice." He frowned, fingers picking at his futon. "…I didn't ask for it to be this way."

They both sat in silence for a moment, neither of them looking at each other. Eventually Yaozo sighed. "Well…what are you going to do from here?"

Renzou chewed his lip quietly, weighing his options. "Well…At the moment I can't really do anything…hell, I can't even stand right now. So, I am at your mercy. If I can stay while I'm healing then I will leave if that's what you want. I don't expect to be welcomed back with open arms."

He sighed, thinking. "Renzou, what does your teachings say about forgiveness?" He knows, of course, he's just seeing what his son remembers.

He was quiet for a long moment. He knew what his father was getting at. "Forgiveness means letting go of anger," he recited perfectly. "Forgiveness doesn’t condone others’ destructive actions. Instead, it frees us from the continued suffering of holding resentment and hatred against those who have harmed us. The Dhammapda says 'When we hold fast to such thoughts as They harmed me, they mistreated me, they molested me, they robbed me, we keep hatred alive. If we thoroughly release ourselves from such thoughts, hatred is vanquished. Never by hatred is hatred conquered, but by readiness to love. This is eternal law.'" He knew it so well, even after everything, and his throat felt tight.

"That's right. Renzou…we may be upset, we may not agree with what you have done. But you are still our family, and you will always be welcome here." Yaozo hesitated before reaching out and gently stroking his hair. He wasn't a physically affectionate man, the affection he had shown his children was few and far between. He loved them in a different way, and he hoped this small show of it would makes sense to his son. "You can always come home, Renzou."

The words hit Renzou far differently than they would have years ago. Back then he would have shrugged them off, but after everything he had done to backstab the Myodani, to hear that he could come home hit harder. He took a shaky breath, swallowing passed the lump in his throat and blinking rapidly. "…Guess I'm staying here then. Might be for the best anyway…"

Yaozo managed a small smile before looking up when he heard Kinzou announce his return. "Well then, I'll leave you to rest some more." He stood up with a grunt and left the room. He walked out to where Kinzou and the others were, standing as straight as ever. "Welcome, it's good to see all of you again. I wish it were under more pleasant circumstances, but here we are."

Rin gave a big grin. "Good to see you, too! Long time no see!" Ah Rin, ever so casual when not appropriate.

"Thank you for having us," Shiemi smiled, bowing respectfully to Yaozo. "I know we're staying at the Suguro's inn but I wanted to thank you, too."

"Now that I've been made aware of the whole situation, I'm glad Kinzou had the thought of having you all come here."

Konekomaru made a small uncertain sound. "Actually, Kinzou contacted Bon and he asked us to come with him.I would have came regardless, but…"

Renzou was listening through the thin shoji door, his heart beating a little fast. So he confirmed that he heard Rin, Shiemi and Konekomaru. He briefly wondered who else was there, before freezing up at a voice he really didn't want to hear.

Ryuji was curt when he spoke to Yaozo. "Regardless, thank you for welcoming us back."

Renzou gasped quietly and tangled his hands in his hair. " _I can't let him see me like this…!_ " Ryuji was the last person he ever wanted to see him in this condition, especially considering the situation of their last meeting. It had been so long! Too long, in Renzou's opinion, though it couldn't be helped now. He had tried to pretend that leaving the way he did hadn't hurt, but that was foolish. It had torn him apart to see how distraught Ryuji was. That was four years ago, there was no way Ryuji would have anything to do with him-

"Is he conscious?" Ryuji asked. "I want to talk to him."

" _Shit_!" he hissed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, give me some feedback if you can, I'm really excited about this fic. I'm learning that my ship of choice isn't as popular as it used to be(sadly) but if y'all could giveme feedback and/or share this fic around, it would help me out greatly. Okay Bye!


	4. The Difference Between a Mistake and a Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryuji and Renzou see each other for the first time in four years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again, welcome back my lovelies! This is probably once of my favorite fics to write right now, even if it's looking to be more of guilty pleasure for myself by now. Still, I haven't been this passionate about a project since May of 2018. IDK how many of you I'm actually talking to, but I hope you guys are enjoying it as much as I am. This chapter is a little emotional but necessary. There will be more of those lol.

There was a long pause through the room, Yaozo and Ryuji's eyes locked while Kinzou quickly ushered the others off to the Inn. He knew Ryuji and his dad wouldn't have any issues, but he was pretty damn sure there was going to be a blow up if the Young Head Priest went in. Yaozo watch him carefully, before inhaling deeply. "You want to speak with him?" he repeated, noting the way Ryuji's shoulders seemed to stiffen. "You're sure, Bon?"

He took a deep breath and nodded. "I want-" He paused. No, want didn't even begin to cover it. He needed answers, something to hold on to. "…No. I need to talk to him. Preferably alone." As much as Ryuji knew he would probably come to regret being one-on-one with Renzou so early, having anyone else involved would keep both of them from being completely honest with each other. There was too much between them that nobody but they and Konekomaru knew.

He slowly nodded, looking to Juzo as he walked in. "Juzo, lead Bon to Renzou." He could have just let Ryuji go to Renzou's room, but he felt it would be best if Juzo went with him.

Luckily, Juzo caught on to what his father was quietly asking and nodded. He placed a calm hand on Ryuji's shoulder, speaking softly to him. "Come along, Bon, this is going to be hard on you both."

As their footsteps tapped down the hall, Renzou swore quietly. He knew he looked like shit, and every fiber of his being was screaming don't let him see you like this. But he was tired, his legs were practically useless, he couldn't do anything to stop this from happening. He made a quick decision and rolled in his futon to face away from the door, pulling the blanket up enough to hide his face in time for Juzo to open his door.

The eldest Shima brother let Ryuji into the room quietly. "Just call if you need anything," he told Ryuji, before sliding the door closed again.

Ryuji couldn't help but look around. It was so surreal being back in this room. There were so many memories that rushed back to him. A few were bad, but a large majority were positive. And many of them had been cornerstones to their relationship all those years ago. He took a steadying breath, before looking down at the lump he knew was Renzou. He grunted as he sat next to the futon, facing Renzou's back. He didn't say anything at first, trying to find the right words to say. "I know you're awake," he mumbled when he noticed Renzou was pretending to snore. His voice was remarkably level despite how much he wanted to scream himself hoarse. "You've always been bad at that…." He didn't get more than a clear huff that Ryuji recognized as a sign that Renzou was pouting. God, he had always been so cute when he pouted, even if it had annoyed Ryuji to no end. In some way, he missed it. He swallowed thickly. "…You had all of us worried, you know…We didn't know where you were, or if you were okay…That was pretty cruel, you know. Abandoning everyone like that, lying to us. Kinda makes me wonder, you know, what else was a lie." He watched Renzou's shoulders stiffen just a little. "You said it wasn't my fault, but I have a really hard time believing that when you wouldn't answer me; hell, you won't even look at me." He paused, getting frustrated with the fact that Renzou didn't even move. His jaw clenched, before he gave Renzou a smack on the back of his head sharp enough to make the other young man yelp. "The least you could do is look at me, ya jackass!"

Renzou had placed his hands over the back of his head with a whine. "You didn't have to hit me like that, damn!" The sound of Renzou's voice almost shook Ryuji out of whatever false bravado he had. "You could've just asked!" The tamer huffed and carefully rolled himself over, still somewhat hidden in his blankets. "Happy?"

The Dragoon wanted to say yes, but the truth was, he hadn't been ready for what he was faced with. He had never seen such dark circles under his childhood friend's eyes before, which was enough to make him regret snapping at him. There were bandages he hadn't noticed around Renzou's neck, and his lip was split. There was a bandage patch over his left eye. And he was so pale, more than Ryuji had ever seen. It was horrible to see and Ryuji wanted to look away. But no, he couldn't, he had things to address. He couldn't make this worse before it got better. He swallowed thickly, steadying himself to push back the tears burning the backs of his eyes and trying to find his voice again. "…What happened to you…?" He couldn't stop himself from whispering, his hand resting in Renzou's hair.

He managed to look up and barely lock eyes with Ryuji. He wasn't sure if he really had the guts to talk about everything. He hadn't really opened up about everything with Juzo yet. But…this was Ryuji. Even if he wasn't sure of their relationship status at the moment, Ryuji was still a huge part of his world. Probably the biggest, if he was honest. He licked his lips, taking a deep breath. "You're sure you want to hear the answer to that?"

Ryuji nodded firmly, retracting his hand. "Tell me the truth, Renzou."

The truth? The truth was something that even Renzou wasn't sure he could really talk about. It was probably the best answer, but he couldn't help but wonder if telling the truth would somehow make Ryuji a target, or the Myoodani for that matter. He didn't want to but Ryuji at risk, but he also knew that lying to Ryuji would just dig him into a deeper whole. Maybe he could leave certain things out and still give Ryuji an acceptable answer. He exhaled sharply from his nose, before forcing himself to sit up; it wasn't easy, his arms almost immediately starting to shake. He mumbled a quiet thanks when Ryuji helped get him all the way up, having to take a few breaths as if he had run a mile. He laid his hands in his lap, carefully adjusting the sleeves of the yukata Juzo had put him in. He kept his voice low, but above a whisper. "Well…mostly training," he mumbled. This was true, but vague enough that it was still believable. "They were helping me have more control." Which…was half true. That had been the Illuminati's intent, but not what had happened. "It was mostly rough training." He hoped he could leave it at that.

But Ryuji wouldn't be fooled that easy. There were too many questions hidden in Renzou's vague answers. His lips pursed a tad as he looked Renzou over. "Training? What kind of training?" He tapped next to where the new scar would be. "What kind of training would cause this?"

Well that hadn't worked. "Oh you know, battle training, working with Yamantaka, that kind of thing." He gave a small laugh, trying to play it off. But anyone could tell it was fake, nervous even. "It wasn’t really a big deal."

The Dragoon's brow twitched, though he was trying to keep the scowl off his face. Renzou was good at evading questions while still giving an answer. He sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose as he tried to keep his patience. "Okay, say I actually believed what you're telling me right now. Can you explain why you were unconscious? Not to mention all the bandages?" He hadn't been able to really see passed Renzou's lies before, but there was a gaping crack in his façade that made him a lot easier to read. As good as that was, it was also worrying because that meant that Renzou was too weak to play his games. "And what the hell happened to your eye?"

Renzou went quiet, biting at his lip where it wasn't split. Of course Ryuji would ask different questions to get the answers he wanted. It was harder to be vague with such direct and specific questions. He hated that. His lips pursed a little, resisting the urge to run his fingers through his hair. "Well, I…Ya know, battle training is really hands on and it can get really out of hand sometimes-"

"Don't do this," Ryuji growled. "Don't you dare lie to my face when I'm worried as fuck about you."

"I'm not lying to your face, I'm staring at my lap."

"Do you really think right now is the time to be a fucking smart ass?!" He yelled, recoiling just a little when Renzou flinched. "I just want answers, Renzou, I'm concerned, I've been a fucking wreck worrying about you for the last four years! And you won't even tell me the damn truth?"

"I didn't think things would end up this way-"

"You haven't had the time to come up with a story, you mean."

Renzou stiffened, lips pressed into a thin line as his eyes narrowed. Technically Ryuji was right, he had hoped to have a few days to come up with some kind of story, though he really hadn't expected Ryuji to come here. He should have known better though; this was their home, of course he would be notified. "I didn't do this on purpose, it was an unexpected circumstance-"

"Fucking bullshit!" Things were definitely escalating now. "You left us! You left me! You chose to be a fucking traitorous spying Scumbag and leave everything behind, just because you were fucking bored!"

"You wouldn't understand!" Renzou yelled back, shoulders tense. "You wouldn't get it because you want to be the thing everyone expects from you, you're proud of it!"

"Yeah, I am!" Ryuji had shifted from sitting on the floor to rising up on one knee to tower over his former boyfriend. Saying he was pissed didn't even cover it. "And you should be too! Be fucking proud of where you came from! Your brother sacrificed himself for you-!"

"Don't you dare tell me to be proud of a role I never wanted to take!" He was shaking with anger, jaw clenched tightly. He could faintly feel Yamantaka prodding at the back of his mind, but like hell he was going to let his familiar handle this situation. It was between him and Ryuji. "I never wanted to take Takezo's role! I'm not a replacement, I'm me! And I don't need you telling me the same shit that’s been shoved down my throat since I was a kid!"

Being on one knee gave Ryuji just enough height to lift Renzou off the ground just a bit when he grabbed his yukata close to the neckline. Renzou's dull nails dug into his skin as he grabbed at Ryuji's wrists to steady himself. "We don't always get to choose our place in life! You're being a selfish God damn fool and a child! Did you even consider what your actions would do to your family?! To me?!"

"It wasn't about you! It never WAS about you!"

This time Ryuji stood, pulling Renzou with him. The youngest of the Shima sons made a disgruntled noise, trying hard to get his feet under himself but failing miserably. His legs just couldn't find purchase. "The least you could do is tell me the fucking truth after everything you've put me through! Do you even care-DID you care?! About me?! About us?!"

Renzou struggled, grunting as he tried to get himself standing with no luck. "Fucking let me go!"

"THEN ANSWER ME!!!"

The screaming had alerted Juzo and Kinzou from outside, both brothers rushing in. Kinzou grabbed Renzou under the arms while Juzo got to prying Ryuji's hands off the yukata; it was difficult, as Ryuji had essentially a death grip on the article of clothing. Not that Renzou's grip was any better. It took a moment for the eldest brother to get them disconnected, before pushing Ryuji back enough to stand in front of Renzou. "Bon, get out or I will carry you out," he threatened, keeping his voice firm. His brows were furrowed deeply, as if challenging the twenty year old. "I will not allow you to treat him this way, no matter how angry you are." Ryuji's hands balled into tight fists, and for a moment it was thought that he was going to take a swing at Juzo. He didn't. Instead he let out an irritated "tch" sound, and left the room with his feet thumping heavily on the wooden floors. Juzo followed him out, if only to make sure he left.

Kinzou exhaled slowly as he watched Ryuji storm out, slowly lowering Renzou back onto the ground. "Holy Shit, for a second there I thought Bon was gonna punch him…" He sat behind Renzou once he was seated, massaging at his baby brother's shoulders. "Had me real scared."

A soft snort left Renzou as he tried to force a laugh. "You? Scared?"

The blond gave him a gentle shove. "You think I want my little bro getting hurt? Course I was scared. Bon looked ready to pummel you, and you're already in shit condition."

Renzou was quiet for a while, taking several deep breaths until he was too tired to be angry anymore. "Well…I probably deserve to be pummeled," he finally mumbled, slumping back and nestling himself in Kinzou's arms against his chest. "Even though all this was decided a while ago…I didn't mean for everything to go to shit like this…" He groaned, thumping his head against Kinzou's chest. "...I really fucked up, huh?"  
  


Kinzou sighed heavily, running his fingers through Renzou's hair. There were a lot of ways the musician could respond, and the more he thought about it, the worse it got. "You wanna know the truth?" When the younger nodded, he gave him a squeeze. "Yeah, I'd say you really fucked up, buddy."

He couldn't really complain, he had done it to himself. He simply sighed, picking at his nails. "I crossed a line I shouldn't have…No, scratch that, I didn't just cross it, I fucking launched myself over it."

The musician hummed, trying not to laugh. "Yeah, you kinda did, but…" He kissed the top of Renzou's head gently. "I think he'll come around in time. It's just a wound that’s been freshly ripped open. Give him time to cool off and it will heal."

"I hope so…"


	5. I’m Only Human

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Shima men come to a consensus; Tatsuma tries to be a good father and Ryuji breaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After reading some comments that made me really happy, I decided to push myself to finish this chapter! It was like 80-85% complete anyway, just had to round it all out. So thank you. Guys for the reviews, it really helped me out. As some of you know, I’m doing school on top of work, so further posts may be hard to get out until my classes get out in October. Also, the conversation between Yaozo and his sons is based entirely on something I noticed and thought would make a good plot point. Because I love fucking around with this family. Anyway, this has been super fun to write, and what little attention it gets makes me really happy. I’ve also made a playlist on Spotify of songs I listen to while writing this, if you guys are interested I may share it on my Bio! And remember! Kudos and comments are appreciated and encouraged!

Loud grunts, yells, and the crunch of tree bark filled the air. After leaving the Shima household, Ryuji had stormed to a semi-secluded area, only to take his feelings out on some poor unsuspecting tree. He had been at it for a while now, tearing up his knuckles in the process. Rin had tried to get him to stop while Yukio simply observed for safety reasons, but that had only succeeded in pissing off the Dragoon even more. The truth was, seeing Renzou in that state, having a yelling match like that, he had nearly hit his limit. He had been so close to airing everything out like dirty laundry, so close to breaking down like he had wanted to this whole time; there was no way in hell he was going to let that happen. So he squashed down his true feelings under the guise of anger. By now, his hands were so sore that he had eased up just a tad, ranting mostly to himself. "Why the hell did I worry? He doesn't give two shits about anybody else, he made that perfectly clear, so why should I worry? He's obviously fucking fine if he can lie to my damn face! I tried to move on and accept he was gone, but instead I wasted four fucking years worried and looking for him! All for _Nothing_!" He punched the tree harder than any of the punches before. He withdrew his hand, hissing in pain as he held his arm to his chest; he had felt that punch through his forearm to his elbow. " _Sonuvabitch_ …"

In his anger, Ryuji hadn't noticed his father watching nearby. Suguro Tatsuma was very good at sneaking around, even if he did less of it nowadays. He hadn't been the best example for his son, but he was getting better. The heartbreak in his grown son's voice was hard to hear; he waited for Ryuji to grow silent before he made his presence known to his son. He cleared his throat as he shuffled over. "What did that tree ever do to you, hm? I hope you at least gave it a chance to fight back." He knew now wasn't the time, but he had hoped to lighten the mood at the very least.

When Ryuji whipped around, pure unrestrained anger on his face, Tatsuma didn't even flinch; he had learned that Ryuji’s anger was just his way of asking for help or show he cared. "Oh _of course_ you show your face at the most inopportune moment! You always come around when I don't want you around! Never here when I need you, yet here you are! Useless fucking hack!"

Yukio glanced between the two Suguro men. "I don't think you should direct your anger-"

Tatsuma chuckled, waving off Yukio's concern. "It's alright. I can take it from here." Yukio slowly nodded and excused himself, leaving the two to let them talk. "Now, I know you're upset, Ryuji. Are you done having your tantrum?" He watched his son's cheeks turn red, chuckling softly. "Come with me, we'll get you bandaged up. Besides, it sounds like you need to clear your head." He turned and started to walk away, smiling to himself when he could hear Ryuji following him. He waited until they were a decent ways away from the homes and inn to speak. "So, what do you have tumbling about in that head of yours? Does it have to do with Renzou's sudden emergence?"

Ryuji's breath hitched a little, before he exhaled sharply from his nose. "You could say that."

His father hummed. "I assumed as much. I knew you would be this way the moment Yaozo told me that he had returned." He glanced over at Ryuji. "You're rather predictable when it comes to the people you care about." He turned and looked up the path again. "It _has_ been quite some time. I can understand you being rather upset about him finally showing his face around here."

The Dragoon clicked his tongue in annoyance, hands clenching into fists. "I want to beat the Hell out of him. Just when I'm ready to accept he's gone, he shows up again. And he looks like shit, I want to feel sorry for him but I'm so fucking pissed that it's hard to. He did this to himself and I shouldn't feel sorry for him, he made his decision. But he…" He trailed off, growling a tad in frustration.

"He's still special to you," Tatsuma finished for him, chuckling softly. "It's understandable. You two have been best friends since you were just tots. You were practically inseparable. He was a big part of your world, it's not surprising it would all be so hard."

Ryuji heaved a heavy sigh as they approached the temple. "More than you know…" he mumbled, thinking back on their relationship. It had been so nice, spending time together, and just being in each other's orbit. Thinking back on it, he realized how much Renzou's world had revolved around him. Maybe it had been Ryuji who had really pulled away to begin with.

Tatsuma laughed. "Oh believe me, I know. You're not as subtle as you think."

There was a long pause from Ryuji as he processed what his dad had said. A healthy blush spread across his cheeks, up to the tips of his ears and down the back of his neck. His voice cracked in disbelief as he tried to speak. "Y-you…! _You knew?!_ How-?!"

"You think the rest of us aren't observant?" the old man asked. "We can recognize a look of pure love on a child's face; children hide their emotions a lot less than teens and adults. In fact, Yaozo and I knew before you two did."

"What? How?"

Tatsuma hummed. "There was something in the way you two were always drawn together. It was extremely rare to see one of you alone, and even when you and Renzou weren't even old enough to speak the two of you always would reach out for each other. Your mother would laugh, so she and Renzou's mother took turns watching you both." He smiled at his son. "You may have both been raised with Konekomaru, but you had a special bond."

* * *

Upon being dismissed, Yukio had made his way back to the Inn, sighing heavily. He was concerned about his former student and friend, knowing how hard the last few years had been. Ryuji had never said anything, but they all knew. He slipped the main door of the inn closed before heading for one of the two rooms they had reserved. Luckily, the other three had crowded into the room he and Shiemi were in. As if on cue, Rin's head popped up once the door opened, tail flicking in concern. He had told the others about Ryuji losing his cool, and they all had been anxiously waiting. "Hey, what happened?"

Yukio adjusted his glasses, sitting beside the only female in the room. "He's torn his knuckles pretty badly, maybe a mild injury to his wrist."

Konekomaru's brows furrowed in worry. "Jeez…I mean, I can't say I'm surprised, he's had a lot of pent up feelings…I'm guessing his talk with Renzou didn't go so well."

"I would say not, considering the rant he had to no one in particular." Yukio sighed quietly. "I don't think this is something the rest of us can guide him through-"

"Well we can't just leave him either," Rin interrupted. "That wouldn't sit well with any of us, even you, and you know I'm right." When Yukio didn't reply, the demon exorcist huffed. "I get it, this isn't something we can guide him through, but we can be here for him." He glanced at his lap, brows furrowed. "Something bothers me tho."

"Hm?"

Rin pursed his lips. "Like I know Renzou was like, his boyfriend or ex or whatever is between them, but jeez, punching a tree until he bleeds?" He crossed his arms, letting Kuro use his tail as a toy. "Seems pretty damn overkill if you ask me."

Koneko made an uncertain sound, rubbing at the back of his neck. "It's more than that, Rin…" He looked up at him. "They were best friends first, and lovers second. Bon trusted him with everything, but in the end, it came out like nothing he had said meant anything. Even as friends, that's really hurtful."

"Yeah yeah, I know that," he replied quickly, waving his hand. "But the thing is, did he even give Renzou a chance to really speak?" There was a long pause, as each of them glanced at each other. It wasn't likely. "You now how he's prone to blow his top before shit can be discussed. I mean, he's done that with me more times than I can count."

Shiemi sighed softly. "You're right…I mean, we can't speak for either of them, but they had always communicated so well before…"

"There's probably a metaphorical wall between them," Konekomaru added. "That could be a part of the problem, now that I think about it. There's no trust between them, its only natural they would butt heads. I can't believe I'm saying this, but Rin, I think you figured out part of the problem."

* * *

When Mamushi had retrieved Yaozo to have a discussion with his two older sons, no one had really expected it to get heated. Juzo had decided it was high time they discussed Renzou's condition, but Kinzou was furious. He had gotten to talk to his little brother quite a bit in the aftermath of the outburst, and after having a lot of realizations, he was royally pissed at their father. Yaozo had barely had the chance to sit when Kinzou slammed his hand on the table. "This is _bullshit_! _You're bullshit!_ "

Yaozo scowled heavily. Kinzou had always been rather outspoken, but he couldn't think of a time when the blond had outwardly yelled at him. "What are you talking about?" he finally asked as he sat down.

"Why Renzou left! Why he betrayed us!" There was a pause before Kinzou continued. "It's all your fault, ya know? You don't know when to stop pushing!"

Yaozo grumbled, straightening his back with a grunt. "Don't you dare try to put the blame on me for his actions! He made that decision for himself!"

"Oh right," the blond scoffed. "Because you're such the perfect father. You drove him to this point!"

"Do not speak of things you do not understand!"

"That's enough!" Juzo hollered over them. "With all due respect, we aren't here to point fingers and blame each other. We're supposed to be talking about Renzou and where to go from here." He watched as Kinzou slumped with his arms crossed, pouting like a child, before sighing. "There is a lot that I think is important to note, especially since I know what Kinzou is talking about." He looked directly at Yaozo. "You know that he resents you, don't you?"

There was a long pause from the family Head. "I do now," he replied after a long time. "Am I supposed to guess the reason?"

"Well…if I'm perfectly honest, he thinks you've been trying to make him into Takezo." He let that sink in for a moment. "And…to a degree he may be right. They look nearly identical, it would only be expected that you saw Takezo as he grew up. I mean…he was only around six months old, just a baby when big brother passed. And you were grieving, we all were, but…You and mom are the only ones who saw when Takezo was a baby." He looked at Mamushi, who handed him two pictures. "I asked mother if she had any pictures of big brother as a baby, so she handed me her photo album. It was full of pictures of all of us, sectioned off so we all had our own pages…" He set the two photos on the table, face-up, before looking Yaozo in the eye. "Which one is Takezo and which one is Renzou?"

Kinzou leaned forward to look, eyes widening. " _Holy hell_ …" he whispered. "They really _do_ look identical…" He was starting to understand a bit more what Renzou had meant. "I never really noticed…"

"I hadn't really paid much attention to it either," Juzo admitted. "But Renzou brought it up to me. So I investigated for myself. Each stage of their lives in the album is nearly identical; if their sections didn't have the rest of us between them, I don't think we would even know the difference." He paused. "Except that as Renzou's pictures go on, he looks more and more blank when he doesn't know he's being photographed. I think he had been realizing slowly that he wasn't his own person…" He shook his head to look at Yaozo, who as looking between the two pictures with a scowl. "Well?"

The head of the family grunted at him. Admittedly, he was struggling. His eldest and his youngest son both had the same face shape, rounded cheeks and heavy eyelids. Even as babies, they had the same smile. He was hesitant to answer, rather ashamed that he couldn't even tell his own children apart. Finally, after several minutes of silence, he tapped at the left photo. "This is Takezo." He flipped the picture over confidently, knowing their names were on the back. Renzou was written on the back, along with the year. Yaozo sat in silence, truly ashamed for not knowing his own children. He sighed heavily, flipping it back over. "…I suppose…you may be right. Unfortunately."

Juzo sighed. "I can't blame you. Big brother's death was hard on all of us, and I honestly think it was hardest on you." He looked at the photos again, internally debating. "I'm probably overstepping boundaries, but it needs to be said. Father, he thinks you never wanted _him_. That you just wanted Takezo back."

He was silent as he processed what Juzo said. He had never been very good at expressing his love for his children, especially once they reached a certain age. Infants and toddlers were easy, but the older they got the harder it was to express. He sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose. "…As much as I wish I could have Takezo back, I never intended to try to turn Renzou into him."

"You've always been a lot harder on him than the rest of us," Kinzou mumbled. "I never really understood why, but I think I get it now."

"It wasn't a conscious decision, I don’t think," Juzo mumbled. "But it is something to consider. It would definitely explain why he'd be eager to join-"

"No it wouldn't," Yaozo interrupted, causing his sons and daughter-in-law to look at him. He sighed. "You both are _well aware_ of the situation. We all argued about it." He looked at Juzo. "You _know_ I tried to oppose it. Regardless of what he may feel, I _do_ love him as much as I love the rest of you. But in the end, it was his decision. There was nothing else I could do.”

Kinzou sighed heavily, his head thumping on the table. “Yeah well…denial is a thing, too, ya know…” He sat up when Juzo nudged him. “I still think you should’ve fought the Branch harder.”

“ _Kinzou_ ,” the eldest Shima son hissed.

“No, I mean it,” he pressed. “Dad _asked_ if he could refuse, and proceeded to let a _fifteen year old_ make a life altering decision. And now look where he is! He looks like hell and he can’t even fucking stand! What if he never stands on his own again?”

“I have a theory about that.” The other Shima men looked at Juzo. “I’ve seen what’s under the yukata. And, after talking with Mamushi about it, I think that…Yamantaka could be draining him.”

Yaozo raised a brow, folding his hands in his lap. “Like when he was a child…”

“Only amplified to a dangerous degree,” Juzo replied, nodding. “When he first started summoning Yamantaka, it was so hard on him. He used to pass out almost instantly; there was never any time for anything bad to happen to him.” He looked between Kinzou and his father. “Considering the last time we saw him those years ago…it’s safe to assume that his ability to control Yamantaka has improved considerably. But I feel like even with improvement…”

“Yamantaka is still a God,” Yaozo finished, arms crossed and looking at his lap, brows furrowed heavily. When Juzo nodded, he sighed. “It’s…entirely possible that you’re correct, Juzo.” As much as Yaozo hated to admit it, his sons seemed to have a better understanding of the situation than he could hope to. He grunted as he got up, old bones creaking. “I must seek council…” he mumbled, before heading for the room Takezo’s memorial alter was.

* * *

The temple grounds were always a very peaceful place; admittedly the whole compound of the Myodani was peaceful, but there was a different sort of feeling at the temple. It had taken a rather nice walk for Tatsuma and Ryuji to arrive, only to kneel before one of the Buddha statuettes and reciting their mantras in a quiet murmur. Once they finished, Tatsuma sat back unceremoniously with a grunt and a sigh. “I don’t know about you, Ryuji, but I sure feel better.” He laughed when he heard Ryuji groan in annoyance. “If I didn’t know better, I would say you’re the old man around here! So grumpy.”

“Can you be serious?” Ryuji asked. “Just, for once, can you not act like a kid? You’re almost 60, for fucks sake!”

“It’s possible to be aged, but a child at heart,” he chuckled. But he listened, smiling gently as he gave Ryuji his full attention. He hummed as he looked at Ryuji for a moment. He was amazed how much his son had seemed to age the last few years. Although, Tatsuma supposed that was to be expected when his son had overworked himself in a desperate attempt to find his childhood friend and love. He would, and had, work himself to the bone for his wife before Ryuji was born, so to some degree he understood. He made notes of the dark circles under his son’s eyes, the way that he seemed to have a permanent look of defeat on his face. All of this was definitely taking a toll on him. “Ryuji, may I express my thoughts on your situation?”

He huffed a bit, resisting the urge to rub at his eyes. He was so damn tired. “You’re probably going to anyway, ya old coot. Just spit it out already.”

Tatsuma chuckled quietly, watching his grumpy boy. “You may call me an old coot, but…” He paused a moment, choosing his words carefully. “I think it would be healthier for the both of you, if you and Renzou laid out your feelings.” When Ryuji scoffed, he held up a hand to stop any reply the young Dragoon may have. “You're shoving your emotions down so you don't have to deal with them.” He paused. “You know I’m right Ryuji, you’ve always done that.”

Ryuji made a face and squirmed under his father’s gaze. Damn the old man for knowing him so well. He then clicked his tongue in annoyance. "As if it matters." He glared at the floor, as if trying to burn holes through the wood. “How I feel doesn’t matter, none of this shit matters.”

Tatsuma frowned a moment, reaching out and putting his hand on the young man’s shoulder. He looked determined. "Of course it does. You're still _human_ , son.” He gave his shoulder a squeeze, seeing his son was about to break. “You're allowed to feel things. You’re allowed to express yourself and have emotions. You aren’t made of stone, Ryuji.”

The younger Suguro sat silently, his hands clenching tightly against his pants, some of the fabric crumpling in his fists. There was so much he wanted to say, so many things that were threatening to burst out of him at once. He couldn’t show weakness, that was a rule he had set for himself a while ago, but even then he couldn’t help but feel like the wall he had built to protect himself was quickly cracking and crumpling. _No, no, no, there’s no crying, you’re stronger than this. You’ve got this, this is nothing!_

“Ryuji—“

“Don’t.” His eyes were scrunched tightly closed, breathing hard through his nose. He got up as his father reached out to him. “I’m better than this, I have myself pulled together! I’m not— I’m not going to break—!” The wall that had been holding his feelings back had a rather large crack in it, letting a few tears slip. Ryuji quickly tried to wipe them away before they could be noticed, inhaling sharply through his teeth as he roughly rubbed at his eyes. “I’m not crying over him any more! It’s not—!” He let his arms drop limply at his side. His voice lowered from yelling to a vulnerable and small sound. “It’s not worth it. It’s not…” He slowly slumped onto the wood floor again. He didn’t shrink away from Tatsuma’s touch his time, pressing his palms firmly to his eyes.

“ _Talk to me,_ ” his father encouraged, keeping his voice level and quiet. It had always been best to talk to him like a scared animal, as much as Tatsuma may have hated to admit it. That was just how approaching an angry and upset Ryuji was. “ _What are you feeling, my stubborn son?_ ”

“ _He lied to me!_ “ Ryuji punched the floor with his now bandaged hand. “Renzou lied to my _face_ and just threw everything away! Everything we had worked for—just gone like it was _nothing!_ ” Despite how hard he was trying to keep his voice steady, it still shook with all the emotion he felt bursting out. “We were supposed to leave the school together! We were supposed to graduate and be a fucking team! He was just as excited as I was, he swore to me that he would never leave my side! He lied to me!” The more he spoke, the less angry he sounded. Pain. That was a more accurate description. “I don’t understand why he didn’t tell me anything…he said it wasn’t my fault, but I still feel like I did something wrong. That I was too hard on him. He told me it wasn’t my fault back then, but if he was a damn traitor how can I believe anything he says anymore? How do I know he’s not still fucking lying? That this isn’t a whole damn act? What if this is a trap and he's just distracting us so the Illuminati can take their next step? What if—?”

He trailed off a little, running his hands through his hair as frustrated and pained tears started sliding down his cheeks. “What if he never actually loved me? What if our relationship was all a lie? Just a fucking game to him?” That was what hurt most to consider, the possibility that Renzou faked their entire relationship. “I’ve spent so long looking for some kind of answer…looking for him and combing every damn hint or clue until it lead to a frigid dead end, and even then I searched for anything I may have missed. I tried for so long to find him—for some kind of closure or something, I don’t know. I’ve spent the last four years searching until I passed out, crying when I was met with yet another dead end, praying for something, anything.” He let out a bitter laugh as his hands dropped in his lap. “And there was nothing. Never an answer or a hint.”

“And here he is now.” Yup, he was definitely bitter. “Just…out of the blue. On one hand, I’m _relieved_ he’s finally home, because that means my biggest fear isn’t true, and now I can get some answers. But I’m still so…hurt, _angry_ , because why now? Why now, when I was finally trying to move on?” He laughed weakly. “He wouldn’t even look at me at first. Can you imagine that…? And when he did, we just got into a fight. I can’t decide if I’m pissed that he yelled back at me or not. In a way I’m proud, he used to just try to get me to stop yelling and calm down. He’s really changed…” he fell quiet for a moment, staring at his hands; he could almost feel the way it felt when Renzou held his hand, always in private. ”Our secret is safe with us,” he would say every time. “…I miss the Renzou I used to know…” he finally mumbled, letting the wall break and just succumb to the anguish. “What did I do wrong?” He choked, letting Tatsuma pull him into an embrace.

“Shh shh…” Tatsuma replied softly, just holding on to his much larger son. “The answers will come soon enough…”


	6. Face the Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More investigating, featuring a Bon mental break and a flashback

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings, my dears! Welcome to another chapter. I don’t think its that great but it’s 9 1/2 pages long so whatever. I found a BonShima charm on etsy and basically cried for 10 minutes. Oh, and I’ve started a twitter where I will probably scream about this fic. If you want to scream with me or just wanna chat, let me know and I’ll give you my handle.
> 
> ANYWAY here you go, its 1am and I need sleep

A rather uneventful week Passed. There had been several talks between the highest members of the Myoodani in regards to Renzou’s condition, and the brothers took turns assisting Renzou as necessary—with a now 14-year-old Yumi sticking by his side to keep him comfortable. She had been uninformed about everything and still had good feelings toward Renzou. The brothers had tried several times to get Renzou on his feet, and each day seemed to get the smallest bit easier. Though Renzou still couldn’t stand on his own; Kinzou had resulted in calling his baby brother’s legs noodles. Everyone’s least favorite thing was helping Renzou with the bathroom. They all collectively agreed to never speak of it again.

Come the end of the week, the brothers were understandably exhausted. It was Juzo’s turn to care for him, Kinzou power snoozing on the table while Yaozo went over some notes from the last meeting. It was late afternoon when Juzo came out of Renzou’s room, heaving a sigh and running a hand through his short hair. “Bad news again.”

“Just what we need,” Kinzou grumbled, whining a little when Yaozo swatted the back of his head with a stack of papers.

"What seems to be the issue?" Yaozo asked, giving his eldest his full attention. “No luck?”

Juzo shook his head, making Kinzou groan. "He still can't walk,” he replied, taking a seat at the table with them, laying his head on his arms. He loved his brother, maybe that’s why he was putting himself through so much. He took a breath before sitting up again. ”I could barely get him standing, and the moment I let him go his legs gave out."

“I expected as much,” Yaozo sighed, crossing his arms and Frowning at the stack of papers as if they had offended them. He was terrible at directing his emotions properly, and considering circumstances, he really didn’t want to direct his frustration at his kids. They were doing their best—doing the job he should have been doing. It occurred to him briefly that his sons took better care of the two youngest better than he ever could. “I suppose the next question is, where do we go from here?”

Both Shima sons heaved a heavy sigh; Juzo stared at the wall as he tried to think, while Kinzou flopped onto his back and stared at the ceiling. After a long silence, Kinzou grunted as he sat up. “I mean…what _can_ we do?” He asked. “We don’t know the cause, so we can’t just make it go away, if that’s even possible. We’ve been trying to just stand him up for a week. His legs are like, not responding to him.” He looked at Juzo, then to his father. “I’ve watched him. I’ve watched the concentration on his face, he’s trying but its like there‘s like…”

“Like a disconnect,” Juzo finished. “Like his brain can’t connect to his legs to make them move.” He nodded. “I’ve noticed that as well. His legs, ankles, feet…it’s like there’s no muscle at all. But when he’s sitting we can move his legs like normal, and see the muscle flex with the movement. So nothing is broken, he isn’t in pain when we move his legs.”

“Can he feel touch?”

Kinzou nodded. “That was the first thing we asked him. He can feel everything like nothing weird is going on.”

“It’s almost like…” Juzo mumbled, tapping his jaw as his elbow rested on the table. “It’s almost like his legs are bound. I don’t know if that’s the right way to explain it, but that’s all I can think of. Like they’re bound to the point he can’t move.”

“Like that time you and Takezo tied me up and left me outside until mom yelled at you?” Kinzou asked, snickering lightly.

“Exactly like that.”

Yaozo had his lips pursed as he listened, making mental notes. It honestly hadn’t helped much, didn’t tell him anything he didn’t already know. He sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose. “We’re still at square one then…” he mumbled.

“If I may,” Juzo mumbled cautiously. “I think that…you need to observe him for a while.” He hadn’t mentioned anything about the marks he had seen on Renzou’s skin that first day. And he was fairly sure Kinzou hadn’t seen it, unless he was keeping quiet for the same reason he was.

“I have too much to do, Juzo, you know that—”

“Dad.” Kinzou interrupted, staring his father down. “You _need_ to _make_ time.” Well that confirmed Juzo’s thoughts on Kinzou knowing about the marks. “What if it gets worse? What if we lose him too? From something we could have fixed?” Juzo was surprised to see Kinzou actually be openly expressing worry and care for Renzou, brows unturned and eyes starting to water. “It would break us all, and you know it. You’d be just as bad as with Takezo, but you and I both know you would carry so many damn regrets, dad. And I dare you to look me in the eye and tell me I’m wrong!”

“That’s enough,” Juzo mumbled, sighing heavily. “Using big brother’s death is uncalled for—”

“No, he’s right,” Yaozo interrupted. He hated admitting he was wrong, but Kinzou deserved to have credit where it was due. “I need to make time for Renzou. For all of you. I’ve spent so much of your lives worrying about the Myoodani and mourning Takezo’s death that I forgot what was important.” He heaved a sigh and stood with a grunt. “Excuse me.” The short walk to Renzou’s room felt endless; having to admit he was wrong was a big deal for the family head. But he had to set aside his pride, something he should have done a long time ago.

Renzou, on the other hand, was almost angry that he hadn’t succeeded yet. He knew he could stand, he had done it for a good chunk of his life. So why was it so hard now? He wouldn’t be an invalid for God knows how long, he refused. Which was the exact reason he had started to pull himself onto his feet using his dresser. A dangerous concept, considering he could easily pull it on top of himself with his body being essentially dead weight. He had his jaw clenched, breathing hard through his nose as he climbed up the dresser, struggling to get his feet under himself as he clung to the piece of furniture.

And this was the scene Yaozo walked in on. He swore quietly and rushed to tuck his arms under Renzou’s arms just as he slipped. He sighed in relief as he set his youngest son back on the futon. He faintly heard Renzou whispering, “ _Fuck, I almost had it! God dammit!_ ” He knew that feeling all too well. He gave Renzou and moment to settle before he spoke. “Bound and determined, aren’t you?”

Renzou stared at his hands, fiddling with his nails and bandages. “Of course I am…I’d rather be able to go piss by myself, you know?” Yes, he was trying to lighten the mood and failing miserably. He couldn’t find it in himself to actually make a proper joke about the situation.

Yaozo tried to give a sympathetic smile, though he wasn’t sure if that came through. “You certainly carry the stubborn streak like Kinzou.” And Takezo, but he had decided it was best not to say that; Renzou had enough of a chip on his shoulder. “I’ve only heard everything second hand…how are things?”

He waved a hand. “Well you saw it. I can’t stand. I’m like one of Yumi’s old dolls, just flopped over all the time. Well, I can sit up at least so that’s one difference at any rate. Bout as useful as one tho.” As Renzou gesticulated as he spoke, his sleeve slipped, revealing a slightly faded black pattern on his skin.

The mark caught Yaozo’s attention. In normal circumstances it would have just looked like a tattoo, but Yaozo knew better; if it had been a tattoo Renzou would have showed it off, not hidden it in his sleeves. He grabbed his youngest son’s wrist, pulling his arm toward him. When Yaozo pushed his sleeve up, Renzou tried to tug his arm away slightly. The mark snaked up to Renzou’s elbow before disappearing under the rest of his sleeve. “What’s this?”

Renzou was quiet as well, licking his lips as he tried to find the right words to say. To tell the truth, or to fabricate a believable lie? Under his father’s gaze, he couldn’t help but give in. “I…honestly I’m not really sure. They fade in and out…I don’t even know the trigger for it. I do know that when it’s darker that body part gets weak.”

Yaozo raised a brow at that piece of information. That was rather interesting. He glanced at Renzou’s covered legs and feet. If his theory was correct based on the information he just received, then perhaps the marks were also on his legs, and perhaps darker than the ones on his arms. “Renzou, I’d like to take a look at your legs.” When Renzou nodded, he shifted and pulled up the bottom of the yukata. Sure enough, his theory was proving to be correct. The marks swirling around Renzou’s leg were much darker, an inky black that looked almost burned into his skin. It snaked up his legs and under the yukata, and down under his socks. He removed those as well, seeing the tendrils wrap around Renzou’s feet as well. They were all so intricate, branching off in spirals and weaving patterns. “…How far does this go?” He asked, slowly looking at his youngest son.

He shrugged. “Up my legs, down my arms…my chest and stomach. I don’t know if it‘s on my back but I would assume so.”

The Shima head frowned a little. He had seen something like this once before, but it had never caused such a problem. That still left him with no answers, however. “I’ll be back,” he mumbled, heading back out to the other brothers. When the two looked up, he looked to Kinzou. “I think we’re going to need Tatsuma’s opinion on this.”

* * *

Over the last several days, Tatsuma had roped Ryuji into helping him take care of the temple and helping his mother with the Inn. Not that he minded. Ryuji needed his mind off everything until he could handle looking at Renzou without wanting to sock him to the moon. At the moment, the father-son team were polishing the floors of the temple, Ryuji using his anger to fuel himself into cleaning at a record pace. The sight made Tatsuma chuckle a little. “Ryuji, easy! You’re going to end up hurting your back if you keep that up!”

“No I won’t.”

He snorted. “Stubborn as ever, I see.” The older man watched his son speed across the floor. “I suppose this is a better alternative to punching trees,” he hummed, watching Ryuji slip a little in his socks when he took a turn too quickly. He turned away, only to see Kinzou half running toward them. He paused, shifting to face the musician when they spoke. “Kinzou! What brings you up here?”

Kinzou stopped, hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. Once he could breathe again, he stood up. “Sir, we might need your help," he said simply. It was a miracle that things had gone well up to this point.

Tatsuma blinked slowly. "Help?” He repeated. Even Ryuji had stopped his running to listen in. ”With what? It must be urgent for you to run all the way here—"

"It's Renzou." Kinzou was practically pleading with his eyes.

Tatsuma was quiet for a long moment. He knew that if Yaozo called for him, then it must be important. Yaozo never just sent one of his sons to find him for trivial things. He nodded resolutely, grunting as the elder stood up. “I don’t really know how to help with Renzou’s situation, but I suppose I will gain more information if I see him myself, hm?” He noticed Ryuji slowly removing himself from the conversation and trying to get back to work. “Ah ah ah! Ryuji, you’re coming with me.” He frowned a bit when he heard his son groan in displeasure. “You’re going to help me.”

“How am I supposed to help?” He grumbled, standing and throwing the towel in his hands on the floor.

“Won’t know until I take a look for myself.” Tatsuma smiled as he went to grab his shoes. “Can’t make any decisions until I know what we’re dealing with.” Ryuji huffed before following his father out of the temple. The elder looked to Kinzou as the sped off for the Shima house. “What can you tell me?”

Kinzou made an uncertain sound. “So like he has these mysterious marks on him, and apparently it is worse than I thought. And his legs are about as useful as a bean bag.”

“Yes, your father told me he hasn’t successfully stood as of yet.”

The blond nodded. “Yeah. Its been a little bit of a roller coaster…I mean at least his wounds are healing so that’s a positive I guess. But he’s still got a lot to work on. We aren’t sure where they came from, dad just came out after talking to him and told me to come get you so like, I don’t know if he just wanted a second opinion or what.”

“We will just have to see for ourselves,” Tatsuma chuckled, earning a _“can’t you take anything seriously?”_ from Ryuji. Upon arrival, Tatsuma was pulled off by Yaozo and Juzo, wanting to discuss the situation properly and outside of prying ears. “ _What can you tell me about these marks?_ ” He whispered.

Ryuji, whether it was genuine curiosity or worried, settled himself where he could listen in. He wanted to know what he was walking into, to brace himself. It was probably nothing, just an act, that made the most sense.

“ _When Kinzou and I brought him home, I was the first one to see them,_ ” Juzo explained, keeping his voice low as well. “ _I had to change him out of that damn uniform._ ” He scowled, still a bit upset by Renzou’s Illuminati fatigues. “ _It’s still so vivid…_ ”

“ _Tell me what you saw. _”__

….

_Carrying Renzou used to be an easy feat when he was younger, but with his body obviously fit from four years of training and who knew what else, Juzo had struggled to keep a good hold on him. Plus with all the dead weight it had been awkward to shift the younger Shima onto his shoulder. But he had managed, heading for Renzou’s old room. He needed to be warmed up, have his injuries taken care of, anything to ensure his little brother would wake up. “Mamushi!” He had called once inside. “Go get hot water bottles from the Inn!”_

_His wife had looked so baffled at first. “Juzo, what—”His wife had looked so baffled at first. “Juzo, what—”_

_“Just do it! Kinzou, I need the first aid kit and towels!” He left no room for argument, stepping into the bedroom and shutting the door. At first he had just set Renzou on the floor, not sure where to even start. Getting him out of that uniform would make it easier to assess his brother’s state of being, that way he would be able to bandage and clean him up._

_Kinzou had run in and dropped the towels and first aid kit beside Juzo. “Here, anything else?”_

_“Blankets. Extra blankets, then just set them outside the door until I’m ready.” He managed a half-hearted smile when Kinzou saluted and ran off. He sighed heavily, looking Renzou over once again. There was so much blood, on his skin and all over his uniform, it was almost impossible to figure out where the injuries actually were. “Alright, its fine, I gotta just start from the beginning, which is getting him out of these clothes.” He was normally so good at keeping his emotions in check when handling this kind of thing. But this? This was hard._

_Perhaps it was the fact that it was his baby brother, or the fact that he witnessed when Takezo died and still carried the trauma on his shoulders, but Juzo’s hands were shaking a tad as he fumbled with the buttons on the jacket. It was actually done up, probably from the cold he reasoned. It took some time to get Renzou out of the jacket, squirming him out of it and tossing it aside. He had started pulling Renzou’s shirt off when he had noticed the black on his stomach. “The hell…?” He pulled up further, his eyes tracing the tendrils that danced over his skin. “What is this…?”_

_He quickly removed his little brother’s shirt and tossed it aside to get a better look. It was a confusing mess with the blood, but he was able to see how the marks weaved up Renzou’s chest, snaking over his shoulders and wrapping around his arms. As he looked down he could see them tucked under the waistband of his pants. They couldn’t seriously continue, could they? Before he could investigate he had to treat the wounds on Renzou’s torso and arms. The longer his body stayed in the cold air, the worse his condition would get. His fingers and lips were tinted blue, a sure sign he had been out there a while. Juzo treated the wounds as quickly as he could, relieved that most of them weren’t as bad as he had feared._

_He had to do a little digging to find Renzou’s old yukata, hoping it would still fit. First he laid it over him, moving to take off the boots and pants. As he suspected, the marks wrapped down his legs as well. “What are they…?” He whispered as he bandaged up the few wounds there. He managed to get the yukata on him, just as Mamushi knocked._

_“I have the hot water bottles,” his wife called. “I’m tucking them in these blankets to keep them warm.”_

_“Thank you, dear.” He called back, getting his brother into the futon. He then grabbed the blankets and water bottles and wrapped him in blankets, sticking water bottles between layers. Once he was satisfied he cleaned up his face. Juzo suspected Renzou may have lost an eye with all the blood, but he sighed in relief when that wasn’t the case. There was a large gash that barely missed the inner corner of his eye. “You lucky shithead…” he mumbled._

….

Tatsuma listened carefully to Juzo’s recollection, making a few mental notes to check into when talking to Renzou and observing him. “I see…thank you Juzo, that gives me more of an idea of what to look for.” He then looked to Yaozo as if looking for more information. “And you?”

“They’re uneven in color. He said that where ever they are darkest is where he experiences any problems with his body. I’m…“ Yaozo sighed heavily. He hated asking for help, but this was out of his realm of expertise. “I need your help. I don’t know where to look anymore for answers.”

He nodded, patting his old friend on the arm. “I will do everything in my power to help and keep him safe.” With that settled, they headed back into the main area. “Alright, Ryuji, I need you to come with me and take some notes,” Tatsuma told his son, earning an irritated growl. “Now now, enough of that. You’re going to have to deal with this sooner or later. You would feel awful if there was something we could do and didn’t. So, Ryuji, come down to your normal.” When Ryuji took a deep breath and relented, he smiled and let Juzo lead them to the bedroom.

The first sight their eyes locked on was Renzou once again trying to force himself onto his feet. His jaw was clenched, brows furrowed, and his knuckles white with the sheer amount of force he was using to climb. It was painful, if he was honest; he had already managed to damage his finger tips and make his body ache from each time he fell.

“Renzou, what did father say??” Juzo scolded, going to catch him, but Renzou’s legs ended up in an awkward position.

“Probably something along the lines of ‘why can’t you listen like your brothers and do what you’re told’. And I dare you to tell me I’m wrong.” He mumbled a quiet “thanks” as Tatsuma helped pull Renzou’s feet out from under himself.

Ryuji had stopped listening for a moment, their voices fading out like they were talking underwater. His eyes focused solely on Renzou, taking in the scene. The bandages covering his eye and neck, the way he didn’t even attempt to move his legs out of the way, and the clearly readable irritation mixed with with defeat on his face. It hurt to look at. And yet, it was also satisfying, in some sick and twisted way. Ryuji wanted him to feel the anguish and pain he had felt when Renzou left. It was only fair, right?

No. No it wasn’t. Ryuji was almost disgusted with himself for thinking like that. It made him no better than the demons and spirits he fought to protect people from if he relished such pain. He took a deep breath, centering himself in an attempt to be more professional about this. No connection, they totally didn’t date for a while, totally didn’t spend their entire lives together, nope, nothing like that. And no way they had the ever fu—Nope, not going there. He subtly shook his head quickly, finally tuning in to the conversation at hand.

Tatsuma had Renzou’s sleeve pulled up to his shoulder, looking at the marks. Just seeing them was almost surreal, like looking at a painting with winding waves and fine details wrapped over the youngest son’s skin. It made Ryuji a little nauseous to look at. “How fascinating,” Tatsuma mused, looking at them closely and running his fingers over them. They were rough, an uneven texture he couldn’t really describe well. Well, he could think of one way. “It’s so textured…it’s like sand instead of skin.” He looked at Renzou. “And you said it’s all over?”

He nodded. “Everywhere I can see,” he mumbled, pulling up the bottom of his yukata for Tatsuma to compare. “It’s irritating.”

“Interesting…Well, I don’t know how it happened, but I can try a few things to determine the source. It will take some time…”

Ryuji’s eyes locked on Renzou’s, watching. No movement, not even a twitch. That couldn’t be possible, not even close to real. Renzou had always been so fidgety, constantly moving something. This wasn’t possible, it couldn’t be. It was starting to sink in that maybe there really was something to be concerned about. His eyes locked with Renzou’s for a moment. "Stand up."

Renzou Stared up at him for a moment, blinking slowly. "I can't," he replied, looking dumbfounded at him.

"Yes you can,“ he hissed, anger starting to bubble up. “Stand _up_." He had to be faking, had to be.

"Have you listened to _anything_ I said?" His eyes narrowed as he looked at Ryuji. “If I _could_ get up I would have already.”

_"I said stand up."_

_"I said I can't!"_

Ryuji bared his teeth, jaw clenched tightly. He couldn’t believe that one of the most important people in his life was this weak. Even if he was facing some hang ups with Renzou, the idea that he was helpless made Ryuji’s throat tighten. He grabbed Renzou by this arms, hands gripping so tightly it might bruise, before yanking him onto his feet. " _Yes you can!_ ” He yelled, holding him up by sheer will and desperation. “ _Just fucking stand up! I know you can! You always have!_ "

Renzou squirmed in Ryuji’s hold as much as he could manage. The tight grip on his arm made his arms ache. He didn’t want to relent to Ryuji’s will, not when he was this full of anger. “ _Ryuji, let me go!_ ” His tone was firm, not unlike his father’s. When Ryuji opened his mouth to reply, he quickly raised his voice. " **You're hurting me!** "

That seemed to shock Ryuji out of whatever state his mind was in. Hurt—he didn’t want to hurt Renzou, not really. He was just angry, he hadn’t meant to. His hands released Renzou’s arms, and he watched as the youngest son just dropped, barely catching himself with his arms. Ryuji couldn’t stop the very faint flinch when Renzou looked up at him.

He was breathing hard through his nose, cheeks flushed with a mix of anger and embarrassment. It was apparent to Ryuji that he was trying to keep himself together despite that way his eyes watered a tad. "You think I _like_ this?!” He asked, voice cracking in frustration. “That I like being unable to stand on my own, let alone walk?! Because I don’t! I don’t like having to completely rely on my brothers to go to the fucking bathroom! I don’t like being stuck in here because my legs won’t listen to me!"

Ryuji didn’t answer; he couldn’t, there was nothing he could say. He looked at his father when he faintly heard his name being called. Tatsuma watched him for a moment before speaking. “I think it would be best if you left, my son.”


	7. I Just Wanna Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The seriousness is starting to come out, and a plan is being formed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has Mama Shima in it! Her name is Azami, and she my be playing a role further on.

“I saw Renzou yesterday.” Yukio and Konekomaru had been talking quietly outside the Inn. Ryuji had joined them at some point, tho neither of them could really remember when that was. When they stopped mid conversation and looked at him, Ryuji shifted, elbows on his knees. 

Konekomaru chewed his lip, looking expectantly at him. He had heard something from Juzo in passing about the two Suguro men visiting that afternoon. “How is he…? You’re the only one of us that has seen him…”

How did he explain it? He still hadn’t fully wrapped his head around the situation, despite seeing it with his own eyes. The frustrated determination on Renzou’s face when he had tried to stand was still etched in his mind; it was more effort than he had ever seen Renzou give for something. The Renzou he remembered would have just given up a long time ago because ‘It's too much effort’. And the way Renzou had been firm with him, almost an order. _‘Ryuji, let me go!’_ The look in Renzou’s eyes…it was a reminder that they weren’t kids anymore, and had undergone completely different lives since that day. He jumped when he felt a tap on his shoulder. “Hah?”

Yukio tried to give a sympathetic small, though it was half hearted. “We were asking how he was,” he supplied helpfully.

“Right. Right…” He ran a hand through his hair as he chose his words carefully. “Do you want the short report or the long one?”

“Short is fine, Bon,” Konekomaru replied. He knew that the other would consist of a lot of Ryuji’s feelings, and right now he felt that trying to pinpoint the larger young man’s feelings would be a battle to handle another day.

He nodded as he took a deep breath. “We walked in and he was pulling himself up with his dresser. He really couldn’t get his legs under himself to stand.” He looked at his childhood friend. “It was sort of like that one time when we were little, when he spent like an hour and a half hiding, and when we finally found him his legs were completely numb and he couldn’t get up.”

Konekomaru nodded quietly. “I remember that…He couldn’t feel his legs so he couldn’t get a stance and ended up rolling his ankle.”

”That’s about what using his legs are like,” he continued. “He dropped, and his legs went into this weird, unnatural way underneath him. Old man had to help get his legs straightened out.”

“Did he even attempt to help?”

Ryuji was quiet for a moment. He couldn’t see Renzou’s legs under the yukata at that moment, but based on the muscle contractions he had seen later on, he had a feeling Renzou had tried. “…I think so. Because he tried to move his legs when dad was looking at them.” 

“And he just… _couldn’t_?” Yukio confirmed. Ryuji nodded, making him hum and frown. Getting a first hand account made everything more real. “Strange…I can’t even think of anything even remotely similar to compare this too…What else did you find out?”

“Only that apparently some parts of his skin feel like sandpaper according to pops.”

Konekomaru gave him an unamused look. “You got into an argument with him, didn’t you?” When Ryuji groaned, he sighed. “I thought so. Bon, you’re my family and I love you dearly, but pushing down everything for the last several years has had a negative effect on your mental health. I’m honestly surprised you’ve gone this long without a complete mental break. You’ve been…” He paused, frowning as he thought. “What was it Renzou said…?”

“Emotionally constipated.” Admittedly, Ryuji knew that Konekomaru was right. He had been trying to be so strong about it all, pushing his feelings down until he could use them on missions as a sort of ammunition. A dangerous tactic, he supposed, but it had worked. “Yeah. We fought, as short lived as it was. I was struggling to comprehend that he couldn’t get to his feet, kept denying it.” His brows furrowed as his lips pressed into a thin line. “You know…this is going to sound odd, but…he’s grown in a way we haven’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“For a moment, he sounded like his father.” Konekomaru stared, wide eyed as he waited for an explanation. “His yelling was more like…when his dad gives orders to other members of the Myoodani. Firm, no nonsense. Honestly, the most serious I’ve ever heard come from him.” He looked down as he picked at his nails. “I can’t decide if he’s truly matured or if it’s a defense mechanism he’s developed.” 

“How do you mean?” Yukio hummed, adjusting his glasses a bit.

“It just…makes sense.”

Konekomaru nodded quietly as he thought about it. “It would make sense…A form of self preservation. We never gave him much credit, but he’s observant and smart. He would have figured out the inner workings and found the best ways to keep himself alive this long…” He hummed, tapping his chin as he considered a few options. “It could definitely be both, actually. We all had to grow up fast after….everything. I imagine he would have had to mature even faster than we did, have to prove himself valuable and authoritative. Think about it, he would need to assert dominance. Being like his father would definitely at least keep him somewhat safe.”

“This is true,” Yukio mumbled thoughtfully. “That’s the authority Figure he’s most familiar with, it wouldn’t be unlikely that he would mimic what he knows, consciously or not.”

“Yeah,” Ryuji slowly agreed. He would have continued, but at the voices of the Suguro and Shima heads nearby, he frowned and quickly rushed to a hiding spot to listen in. His father hadn’t come home, staying to get a better idea of what was going on. He needed to know what his father found. Yukio and Konekomaru had been close behind, straining their ears to hear.

Tatsuma and Yaozo had been taking a walk, finally coming to rest and discuss Renzou’s condition. Yaozo cleared his throat as he sat down outside the inn with Tatsuma. “And where are we in regards to Renzou? Have you been able to determine anything?”

Tatsuma clicked his tongue a little, hands clasped together on his lap. “Well, there are a few concerns. He had quite the night terror last night. And the only reason I know is because he grabbed my arm in a death grip.” Sure enough, around his wrist was the faintest of bruises from Renzou’s hand. “I haven’t seen his eyes get that big since he was very young. It took me a minute or two to get through to him.”

“I hope he didn’t keep you up.”

He laughed. “No, no, not at all. In fact, once he was grounded again we talked a bit until he fell back to sleep.” He smiled faintly, before it faded quickly. “From what I’ve determined with what he’s told me, we only have so much time.”

Yaozo frowned a little. “How so?”

“I can’t say exactly. He explained that it’s been getting worse over the last few years, that he’s woken up unable to move, unable to breathe, quite a few times. I think it’s related. And I have a firm belief it will only continue to get worse, until he won’t be able to come back from it.”

It was a lot for the spying trio to take in. Konekomaru was very clearly distressed; hearing that Renzou has suddenly stopped breathing scared him. While yes, he was hurt by Renzou too, the tamer was still his childhood friend and held a place in his heart. He was scared, his smaller body trembling just a tad against Ryuji, who placed a hand on his back to steady him. The Dragoon kept a blank expression on his face, making mental notes. He was level on the outside, but there was still an inkling of fear and concern deep down. Yukio was making shorthand notes in a tiny notebook to refer back to in a better area.

Yaozo ran his hands over his face. “Alright…What of the marks?”

“Well,” Tatsuma continued. “I have reason to believe that Juzo’s theory may be the most likely answer to all of this.” He looked off at the sky. “The marks carry many characteristics of what is written in the lore. He has also told me that they burn from time to time, like he’s stepped into a burning building he said. That statement is enough to make me worry.”

“ _Couldn’t they treat it like a temptaint?_ ” Konekomaru whispered. “ _I mean…it’s just like it, in theory…_ ”

Yukio shook his head with a hum. “ _There’s a big difference between a demon and a God_ ,” he explained. “ _They can’t be compared. It’s more likely nowhere close. I can see your reasoning, however, with Yamantaka being a death-based God_ …”

Yaozo said nothing for a few beats. “So why is he so weak he can’t walk?”

“Well…” Tatsuma got up with a grunt. “Yamantaka may be trying to make Renzou his vessel instead of his tamer.” He gave his old friend time to process what he said. “That is the most likely reason.”

Yukio swore quietly. “ _This is bad. If Yamantaka is trying to take over his body…if he succeeds, he could wreak havoc. And in all honesty it could kill Renzou_.”

“ _It’s always something_ ,” Ryuji grumbled, not bothering to hide the concern in his voice.

The Shima head let out a long, defeated sigh. “So, what can we do?”

“Right now, nothing.” Tatsuma placed a hand on Yaozo’s shoulder in solidarity. “For now, all we can do is continue the care he’s receiving, and pray Yamantaka will change his mind.”

* * *

Back in the Shima residence, Rin and Shiemi had decided to give Renzou a visit after checking in with Kinzou. They were concerned and wanted to see him, plus Shiemi had thought he would like the company. She had knocked quickly on the frame of the door as Rin opened it. 

To say Renzou was surprised was an understatement. He had been sitting up against his wall playing a game on his phone when the door slid open. He looked up from his phone, looking dumbfounded to see them standing there. “Rin— Shiemi— What—”

“I’m so happy you’re alright,” Shiemi cooed, coming over and kneeling beside him, hands in her lap. “It’s such a relief you’re alive!”

Renzou’s gaze flicked between the two as Rin dropped to the floor and crossed his legs. He was quiet for a moment. “Not that I’m not grateful or anything, but why are you here?” He asked, voice uncertain. 

“We’ve missed you!” Shiemi told him, her ever innocent smile on her face and cheeks flushed. “We came with Ryuji, and so did Yukio and Konekomaru. When we heard you had been found we just had to come up. We’re so relieved.”

“Wait, but I—”

“Hey,” Rin interjected, stopping Renzou from continuing. “We may have been hurt and angry the last time you saw us, but…” He paused, lips pursed. “You gave me a chance once, when no one else would. It’s time I do the same to you, yeah?”

Renzou was quiet, before he gave a quiet chuckle, looking at his lap. “That sounds about right…”

“Of course I’m right, it's me.” The demon grinned widely when Renzou let out a snort. “Yeaaaaah that’s what I thought!” He sat back on his palms, tail sweeping the floor behind him. “So, you got anything to say?” He whined when Shiemi gave him a soft pat of scolding on his leg.

“Don’t feel obligated to say anything,” Shiemi to Renzou with a smile. “It’s your choice.”

Renzou watched them for a long moment. How were they so casual about this? They acted as if he hadn’t ditched them for his own selfish reasons, like he hadn’t been gone for so long. They spoke to him as if they had just spoken last week. Why? How? He was so wrapped up in his own questions that he hadn’t noticed his eyes watering. He jumped just a little when he felt Shiemi gently wiping the tears that were ready to drop. “Sorry, sorry,” he mumbled, quickly brushing away her hand and pressing his palms firmly to his eyes. 

She cooed softly, letting her hand drop to the tamer’s thigh comfortingly. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying…? Should we not have come?”

He let out a puff of air that could be taken as a snort. “No, no…” he replied, sniffling loudly as he removed his hands from his face. “It’s fine. I’m actually glad you guys are here.”

“What’s with the waterworks then?” Rin asked, sitting up fully. 

He sniffed a bit more before he looked at them fully. “You’re so casual about it all,” Renzou replied. “As if nothing happened, that I’ve been around all this time, not off fucking myself over for four years. It…I don’t feel like such a trash human being.”

Shiemi gave him an encouraging smile, grasping one of his hands and giving it a supportive squeeze. Rin pursed his lips a tad, trying to pull together the things he wanted to say. “I mean, I won’t lie, you _really_ fucked up dude.” Tact, Rin has none. “Konekomaru and I have been sharing an apartment with Ryuji since graduation. And he’s been in a downward spiral since you left. I don’t think he really sleeps much.” He shifted himself onto his knees and leaned in. “He took any possible tip or hint and investigated them so thoroughly that any missions he was assigned to took the backseat. You’ve been his highest priority.”

“…” He wasn’t surprised. Renzou had been one of Ryuji’s top priorities for a long time. He breathed out sharply from his nose. “I would have thought he would have given up after a year or two,” he admitted. “But I guess not…would’ve been a lot easier on him.” He looked up at the ceiling as he took a deep breath. “Explains why he’s so angry…”

“You spoke to him?” Shiemi asked, leaning forward a bit like she was being told an enthralling story. 

“Kinda?” He replied. “But not really. It was more of Tatsuma and I talking about my condition, and Ryuji snapping and yanking me off the floor…” Shiemi made a concerned noise, brows upturned in worry. He waved her off. “It’s fine…I think he’s just having a hard time processing that I’m back, that I’m in shit condition…” He hummed a tad, looking up at one of the old drawing Ryuji had made before they left for True Cross. It had been a sketch of the two of them accented with cherry blossom branches and flowers. He had begged Juzo every day that week to help him get a frame for it. “It’s a harsh reality he probably wasn’t prepared to handle.”

“Poor thing…” Shiemi mumbled, looking rather sad and a bit teary. 

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Rin hummed, picking at his ear as if it was a casual conversation. “But ya know what? What’s done is done. You’re here, you’re pretty roughed up. He’s gotta accept that You aren’t the tough traitor he was mentally preparing to beat the crap out of. You’re hurt, you got weird shit going on, that’s that.” The demon shrugged. “That’s on him for setting an expectation.”

Shiemi huffed a little, even though she knew that Rin was sort of right. “So…what’s next?”

“Hm? What do you mean?”

“I dunno about Shiemi but I wanna know that’s going to happen between you and Ryuji.”

Renzou hummed, playing with the hem of his sleeve. “Honestly…I’m not sure.” That was the truth. “Before, everything had been so good…We were communicating, I knew where we stood. And…I know I screwed up.”

“Obviously.”

“I thought I was doing the best thing for myself,” he mumbled. “But in reality, I threw away the best thing that’s ever happened to me to fulfill some selfish need to give my family the proverbial middle finger. They knew, of course…they just didn’t know I was going to just vanish tho…” He let out a weak chuckle, tugging at a loose string on his sleeve. "At the end of it all, I guess all I want is for him to look at me the way he used to, and to trust me again."

Rin Raised a brow at him. Based on his interactions with Ryuji over the last couple years, he had a very educated guess on how that would go. "Well, that's gonna take a lot of work, dude."

Renzou Laughed quietly. "Yeah, I know."

* * *

That night the Suguros had been invited to have dinner with the Shimas. Which had turned into the two families having dinner, with the addition of the Okumura twins, Konekomaru, and Shiemi. Juzo had chosen to eat with Renzou in his room; he felt bad about leaving Renzou alone. Dinner was going well; Kinzou and Rin were poking fun at each other across the table, Shiemi was enjoying talking with the two mothers about their families and other such things. Konekomaru was nestled between the family heads, which never bothered him; he saw both as father figures so it almost felt natural. Ryuji was beside his father, Mamushi wrangling her kids to eat. 

Ryuji had been watching everyone silently, though he looked to Yaozo and Tatsuma in particular. Nothing had been said about Tatsuma’s thoughts on Renzou’s situation, as if nothing had happened. Did they plan on telling anyone else? They all deserved to know what the situation was. He inhaled deeply, before setting his bowl of rice down hard enough to startle the rest of the table into silence. His eyes flicked between Yaozo and Tatsuma. “Don’t you have something to say?” He spat. When the two fathers glanced at each other he continued. “You damn well know what I’m talking about, I overheard you talking outside the inn.”

Yaozo sighed, while Tatsuma chuckled. “I guess we’ve been found out,” he commented, shifting his legs a tad. “We do owe them an explanation, old friend.”

He knew he was right, pinching the bridge of his nose. “My apologies. You deserve to know what’s happening.” He paused for a moment as he let the others settle. “We believe that Yamantaka is trying to take over Renzou’s body. Completely.”

“Like a possession?” Kinzou asked, looking flabbergasted. “Is that like, a thing that can actually happen?”

“It’s highly uncommon,” Tatsuma mused. “But there is a chance. Usually when the tamer is not strong enough physically or mentally. Plus there‘s the added condition of Yamantaka being qualified as a God…”

“That would make things difficult,” Mamushi mumbled. “There’s only so many things we would be able to do considering circumstances…this isn’t something we can fix, he has to do it by himself.”

Kinzou let out a sort of growl, glaring at Mamushi. He was on better terms with her, being her brother-in-law, but he still had a short fuse. “The hell do you know, ya damn snake! If it was any of your sisters you would do anything to find a way to fix it!”

Mamushi opened her mouth to reply, only stopping when she felt a soft but firm hand on her shoulder. She looked to her mother-in-law, a small smirk on her lips.

Shima Azami, often called Mama Shima, was a petite woman, her dark hair cut short and a pair of eyes that would lead anyone into a false sense of security. To the untrained eye, she looked like a delicate flower needing to be taken care of, but in reality she essentially ran the house of Shima. She was sassy, confidant, independent, and had her husband wrapped around her finger. Her children all had respect for her, even if some of them took after her in their stubborn natures. She gave Mamushi the sweetest smile, patting her shoulder. 

But then Her eyes flicked quickly to Kinzou, pointing at him aggressively with her chopsticks and making him squeak. “Shima Kinzou, don’t you dare start another fight at the table or you’ll be on Renzou duty for the next week, alone.” She sat up and moved to keep eating. “This isn’t the time to be infighting. Renzou’s condition is serious, and we need to have all the will power we can muster to keep pushing for an answer.” The table was silent as she took a sip of her miso soup. Everyone who knew her knew better; Rin, Yukio, and Shiemi just had the feeling to keep quiet. “In addition, as much as I don’t want to admit it…” her gaze softened as she lowered her eyes to look at the table. “…Mamushi dear _is_ right. This isn’t a battle we can fight for Renzou. He must fight it on his own. All we can do is support him to the best of our abilities.”

Yaozo nodded, and Kinzou deflated, mumbling a quiet _yes mom_. “We don’t have many options. Even if we could convince Renzou to summon Yamantaka in an attempt to fix this, in his current condition there’s a chance he won’t stay conscious long enough to properly question him…”

“So…that’s it?” Rin asked, brow quirked and head cocked to the side in confusion. “We just sit here and wait for him to either get better, or Yamantaka fully possesses him? That’s all we’re going to do?” The irritation was clear in Rin’s voice; Renzou was their family, but they weren’t going to do anything?

“Unless you have a plan, this is all we can do,” Tatsuma replied, raising his hands in an attempt to placate the young demon. “We have nothing to go off of.”

“There’s nothing in the family records to indicate this has happened in the past,” Yaozo added. “I’ve looked through every last one for something like this, and found nothing.”

“If I may,” Yukio began, holding up his hand slightly to get everyone’s attention. One everyone’s eyes were on him. “First of all, how many of us here would be considered Tamers? Who can summon a familiar on their own?” Shiemi raised her hand slowly, before Nii popped out of her neckline with a cheer. Yukio too raised his hand; while it wasn’t something he did often enough, he could summon the Naiads if absolutely necessary. Azami raised her hand as well, causing Kinzou to make a loud, startled noise; Mamushi nodded, barely lifting her hand. The young exorcist nodded as he glanced around. “Four of us out of eleven people in this room. That isn’t good odds.”

“So now what?” Kinzou asked.

“I may have an idea…”

Ryuji sat up fully, interest clearly piqued. “What’re you thinkin’?”

The younger Okumura took off his glasses to clean them as he spoke. "This is a bit of a stretch…but I think it may be wise to call Izumo."

The four young exorcists glanced at each other in surprised confusion. If it were any of the rest of them, they would have agreed, but for Renzou? "That's crazy talk,” Ryuji replied, shaking his head. “There's no way she would help him after everything he put her through."

“Understandably, of course,” Konekomaru mumbled, tapping his chin with his fingers. “She’s been through so much because of the Illuminati, and he did put her in their possession…”

"It might be the closest chance we have to fixing this.” He put his glasses back on before looking to Ryuji and Konekomaru. “Uke and Mike work under a deity, Uka-no-Mitama. Her family has been the caretakers there for a _very_ long time.” His and Ryuji’s eyes locked. “She could have some insight and be the key to resolving this."

The room was silent for a long moment. Ryuji averted his eyes and rubbed at the back of his neck. He understood why Yukio had focused on him. Even the parents were looking at him. Eventually he sighed. “You’re right. You’re right, we should call her. Even if she doesn’t have a complete answer for us, she still might be able to point us in the right direction.”


	8. Think Before You Speak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew gets Izumo involved, some minor YukioxShiemi fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE!!!!!!!! AN UPDATE!!!!
> 
> I would first and foremost like to apologize for not updating since August! I was finishing school, then doing my externship, and I was just dragged into a permanent state of exhaustion. While I am still struggling with things(Thanks Holidays), I'm sorry that it has taken me so much time. I sill have so many ideas for this story, it is not being abandoned.
> 
> I have the next 2 chapters completely plotted, and I will be planning more out shortly! Thank you for your patience, I won't keep you any longer

Once Dinner had finished and the families had bid everyone good night, the group of friends met at Ryuji's, sitting out on the back porch to not disturb his mother. It wasn't late by any means, but it felt more respectful to keep things quiet in the off chance she went to bed. They all knew the next step was to call Izumo, but none of them seemed to know what exactly to say to her. 'Hey, remember in first year when Shima kidnapped you for the Illuminati? Yeah, well, he needs your help to not die'? Yeah, that would never work. They each seemed to take turns, opening their mouths to speak, only to close them again with a sigh. Finally, Yukio nudged Shiemi in encouragement to just call. This wasn't something that could be scripted.

Shiemi turned on the speakerphone after selecting Izumo's contact, setting it on the porch while the others sat around it. The line rang several times, before there was finally a faint click followed by Izumo's voice, now much more mature, coming through the speaker. "This better be good, Moriyama, or I'm blocking your number again. This is the third time you've managed to interrupt an important ceremony, and I--"

"Good Evening to you too, Izumo," Yukio said, talking over her to get her to quiet down. "My apologies for the interruption, I encouraged Shiemi to call; we have something important we wanted to discuss with you. You're on speakerphone. We have Konekomaru, Ryuji, and Rin here as well."

The tamer and young priestess was silent for a moment before she let out a huff. "Well…" She sounded a little flustered and embarrassed. "Alright. What do you need from me?"

Ryuji spoke up this time, licking his lips as he struggled with the words on his tongue. "We wanted to ask you some things about being a tamer."

"More specifically," Yukio added. "If it's possible for a higher power, such as a God, for example, to be a proper familiar?" He was careful with his phrasing. He was aware that such beings could possess a person, but being a familiar was different. Much different.

She was silent for a moment, nothing but a shuffling-like sound coming from the speaker. Then she sighed. "Well, I suppose it wouldn't be _impossible_." She was avoiding a definite answer. "But I doubt it's probable. Gods and Goddesses are most likely to possess than to be ordered by a mere human."

"But it is _possible_ , right?"

Izumo huffed. "I mean I guess so! But they have more self-respect than that; even if it did work, the God or Goddess would have too much power to maintain control over."

"What if the familiar was inherited?" Konekomaru inquired, leaning forward to be heard clearer. "Can familiars be passed on to another family member?

Izumo made a slightly uncomfortable noise. All this sudden questioning was putting her on edge. "I wouldn't think so, but there's no reason why they couldn't be--"

"Quit dancing around the questions!" Rin finally snapped. "You're giving us roundabout answers that don't answer anything. This is important, Izumo, we need honest answers here!"

Izumo clicked her tongue before snapping back. "What's all this about? Why are you guys suddenly so interested? You've never had questions like this before!"

Rin wasn't going to sugar coat it. "It's Renzou. We need these answered for his sake."

Silence. For a moment they even thought she had hung up. Shiemi whined softly. "Izumo? Please? We want to help him, we just need some information, and you were the first person we could think of that may have the answers. If not for him, then for us. _Please_ …"

Izumo didn't say anything for a long time. Then she sighed heavily. She had a hard time saying no to Shiemi when she pleaded like that. "What happened?"

A collective sigh of relief washed over the group huddled around the phone. "You recall," the younger Okumura began, "that Renzou has been missing since that day four years ago?" When she confirmed, he explained the contact and that they finally had him again. He told her of Renzou's condition, the marks that danced over his skin, and the fact that he couldn't stand. He told Izumo everything that could even possibly be important to know. "Now the current theory is that his familiar is trying to, essentially, possess his body." He paused, letting the information sink in. It all sounded so fake, like an overdramatic story a child would tell. He wouldn't have believed it if he hadn't been part of all this. "All we need now is to know if there’s anything we can do or the best course of action from here. Is there anything that can be done?"

Izumo sighed as she considered everything Yukio told her. She knew he wouldn't lie to her about this, he wasn't this creative. Some ideas were rolling around in her head, but she couldn’t give a real certain answer. "I couldn’t say for sure without seeing him," she finally replied. "Uke and Mike would be able to tell if there’s anything we can do."

"And I suppose you’re not willing to do that."

She clicked her tongue, spite in her tone. "Doesn’t exactly sound like something that’s my problem."

Ryuji had been quiet through it all, but now he felt like he had to speak up. “Izumo, I know you’re mad and still resent him. I really don’t blame you." He gave a weak, tired laugh. "Hell, I’m pissed, too. But I really don’t want to deal with Yamantaka if he manages to take control of Renzou’s body. This could kill him, and I don't think I could handle that." He sighed, running a hand through his hair as he mumbled ' _Not on my list of things to do this year_ '. "I need your help, Eyebrows. You’re the only other person I can think of who would know what to do. I’m asking as a friend.”

Izumo groaned, debating with herself. On one hand, this felt fitting for her abductor, and traitor to their class. In her eyes, he was getting a taste of his own medicine. But on the other hand, she wasn't sure if she could handle knowing she could save his life and chose not to. The ball was in her court, and she could leave with his blood on her hands. Finally, she sighed heavily. “Give me two days. I need to tend to a few things and pack. Then I'll come up to Kyoto.”

Ryuji let out a heavy sigh he hadn't realized he was holding on to. The relief that washed over him was so overwhelming, he almost thought he would cry. " _Thank you, Izumo…thank you._ " The others echoed their thanks as well before wishing her a good night and goodbye. He stayed quiet as he watched everyone else discussing how they were going to thank her. His gaze flicked to Yukio, who looked resigned as he adjusted his glasses.

It was only another moment before Yukio cleared his throat loudly and stood up. "If I may," he began, the others going quiet and looking at him curiously. "This has been a good experience, and a relief to know that Renzou is, at the very least, out of the Illuminati's grasp. However, I’ve been thinking…and I’ve decided that it may be best if I return to work in Tokyo."

Everyone stared at him in disbelief. Shiemi's eyes watered a little. " _But, Yuki…why…?_ "

He took a deep breath; he could feel Rin's gaze practically burning holes through him. "I've concluded that I am not needed here. Medical care is well managed, and there have been no attacks in the area. Things are being well handled by the Myoodha, and I honestly feel as if I'm not contributing, so--"

“So you’re just going to up and _**leave**_?!" Rin snapped, standing up as well with his fists clenched. "Just like that?! We finally find him after 4 years, and you want to just leave?!" His jaw clenched, teeth bared. "Some friend you are!”

Yukio sighed, his tone sharp in response. “Rin, my place isn’t here," he hissed, keeping his ground steady, even as he heard the low rumble coming from deep in Rin's chest. He had learned how to handle this by now. "I can’t do anything here; I can’t do proper research, there’s nothing I can suggest. Besides…" He adjusted his glasses. "What about home? Just because we’re here doesn’t mean the demons back home have stopped." He had to stop and take a few deep breaths through his nose when the sound intensified. "I will be of more help there than I would here.”

"That's such a lousy excuse," Rin growled. "You just don't know how to deal with people--hell, I'm surprised you even have people you _can_ call friends! You're a sorry excuse! But fine, fucking leave! We don't need you here! We can handle this ourselves!" That being said, the hot head stormed off leaving the Suguro property. With exasperated sighs, Ryuji and Konekomaru went after him, if only to make sure he didn't do something stupid.

Yukio stood there, rubbing at his temples with a sigh. He glanced down when he felt a small tug on his pants, only to see a very teary-eyed Shiemi. He offered her a faint smile, before sitting with her and pulling her close. He grunted just a tad when her arms wrapped tightly around him. A sad Shiemi sometimes felt like being hugged by a hobgoblin; strong and suffocating. He ran his hand through her hair with a soft hum.

She sniffled, nuzzling into his shoulder. “ _I wish you wouldn’t go…_ ” she whispered. " _I understand why, but I still wish you'd stay. I'll miss you._ "

“ _I know…_ " he mumbled back, kissing her head. He was much more physically affectionate with her when no one was around. It was a sacred thing between himself and Shiemi in his mind. " _You’re not bound to stay here, you know; you could come home with me._ ” He doubted she would take up the offer. She wanted to help too much.

She shook her head, as he expected. He let her sit up to look at him. “ _Not with a clean conscience._ " Shiemi sniffled, slightly leaning into her lover's touch as he gently wiped her tears. " _I know I can be of help here. Nii can help me take care of Renzou, heal his wounds, and maybe make things easier on him…_ " She managed to smile at Yukio, laughing through her tears. " _Right now I belong here._ ”

Yukio chuckled softly. “ _…Your concerns **were** always your friends first…_” He wouldn't have expected anything less. Her friendships meant the world to her; she had been terrified to admit her feelings to Yukio before, not wanting to lose his friendship. Obviously, everything had ended well, but her fears had been valid. " _I understand, Shiemi. I'm not upset, I promise. I'm…I'm glad that you're listening to yourself._ "

She smiled softly, reaching up to cup his cheek. She leaned up and brushed the tips of their noses together, giggling softly. " _I know you're not upset…_ " She pecked his lips quickly. " _Can I call you…?_ "

He sighed; he had been so affection starved growing up that the simple signs of affection Shiemi gave him made him practically melt. He was putty in her hands. " _Before you go to bed,_ " he told her, pressing their foreheads together. " _I don't want to miss your call while I'm working. Plus, it will probably help me sleep._ "

" _We both know it would, you can't sleep most of the time._ " This was true, Yukio never really slept well, but he slept easier with Shiemi around. The hope was that he would be able to fall asleep talking to her. She sighed softly, pulling away. " _Let's go to our room for the night? We can spend some time alone before you leave. You're probably thinking of leaving in the morning, huh?_ " Well, she wasn't wrong.

Yukio nodded, taking her hands and standing, pulling her up with him. " _You would be correct. Let's go._ "

\-------

Back in the Shima household, Yaozo, Juzo, and Tatsuma had resorted to having a small pow-wow to make plans on what the next step in Renzou's care should be, or rather, where they went from here. There was only so much they could do, and they knew that, but deciding everything was about as easy as trying to catch smoke with your bare hands. Yaozo sighed, arm on the table and running a hand over his face. The last few weeks had been so full of ups and downs, he almost couldn't remember having a good night's rest. Since Renzou had been brought home, he had been up at odd hours and sleeping less. "At the moment," he grumbled. "We have _nothing_. Not until we can get some answers. There are…no options." The frustration in the family head's voice was palpable, bitter.

Tatsuma waved him off, smiling as he watched Azami bring them some tea. "Yaozo, take it one step at a time," he told him. "Right now, we need to wait, but we'll be able to fix this! We will find an answer, it just means we may need to be patient." His hands settled around the cup of tea Yaozo's wife had served him. "I think young Yukio may be right. The Kamiki girl is a priestess now, and I remember she was very bright. She could have some answers for us." He took a drink, before sighing softly in satisfaction. "We just have to _wait_."

Yaozo rolled his eyes. "If it were Ryuji, you would stop at nothing," he hissed, irritability clear. He softened a tad when his wife poked the back of his head roughly, before starting to work out some knots in her husband's shoulders. "My point still stands. You would be just as frustrated."

He laughed, not even the least bit bothered by Yaozo's counter. "You're not wrong! But don't misunderstand, my friend." His smile faded, expression more serious. "I'm as worried as you are about Renzou. He is part of my family, as we all are to each other. And you've seen how much all this is tearing Ryuji apart. I want things to be back to the way they were."

Yaozo sighed again, shrugging Azami off and letting her sit beside him. "I know, I'm sorry Tatsuma. This is just so… _ **frustrating**_. We've gotten nowhere; It's been almost a month and we're still at square one."

Azami looked at him with a hum, before looking to her eldest son and Tatsuma. "Well…have you guys questioned Renzou?" There was a long silence as the men quickly looked at each other. She rolled her eyes and sighed. "While he may not know or understand why he can't walk, he can probably answer other questions."

"Like the Illuminati's location or plans," Juzo mumbled, quickly catching on to what his mother was telling them. "Or how he even got out. Father, we've been asking the wrong questions this whole time!" Maybe they were taking a step in the right direction. "He could have all the information the Order was looking for!"

Yaozo frowned, thinking about it. Azami had a point. They had only really asked about the marks or his injuries, never anything substantial that could put an end to this. Why had none of them considered that? A picture of his son flashed through his mind for a moment, sprouting a small seed of doubt. As injured and helpless as Renzou was, would he even be able to tell them anything? He had quite the head injury. "Is he even fully capable?" he asked. "He had quite the head injury, his memory could be foggy--"

"Yaozo…" Azami growled in warning. "It's been nearly a month since he obtained those injuries, and most of them have fully healed. If Renzou had any sort of brain damage from them, we would have seen signs of it already." She stood, arms crossed as she looked between the three. "His speech and critical thinking skills are perfectly intact, the headaches have stopped. He's well enough to be capable of this conversation." She huffed, stomping off to work on dishes. Yaozo would have to handle that later.

Juzo had been about to speak when they could hear a muffled snicker. They looked around, before spotting Renzou peeking around the corner from the floor. “It’s rude to talk about someone’s mental capabilities behind their back you know.” He grinned, loving the embarrassed and dumbstruck looks on their faces. **Glorious**.

Juzo was the first to break the silence, shaking his head roughly. “How did you get there without us hearing?” Between the door sliding open, and the sound of something dragging on the floor, they should have heard Renzou. "How the Hell did you get over here without making a _sound_?"

“Spy, remember?" he replied, tapping at his temple. "How could you forget? Being Sneaky is my job." He shifted, elbows on the floor and chin in his hands with a playful grin. "So…can I be part of the conversation now?” 


	9. Kept My Mouth Shut for to Long

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Renzou gets interrogated, then some angst happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello!  
> First and foremost, I'd like to give a tw/cw for this chapter. There is a scene where gore is mentioned. It's only 2-3 sentences toward the end of the chapter.
> 
> Secondly, there's a symbol that gets talked about, the Mantra of Yamantaka. a picture of the symbol will be at the bottom of this chapter, since I can't really describe it and it's kind of hard to find. So I saved you guys having to look or it.
> 
> There are two scenes in here that weren't supposed to happen. they just did.

Since Renzou had oh so sneakily crashed the party, Juzo had been tasked with getting Renzou set up at the table. It had taken a couple of minutes to get things situated in a way that wouldn't cut off the circulation in Renzou's legs, but they managed. The spy hummed, leaning with his elbows on the table, the fingers of his left hand drumming on the surface with a dull sound. Was he feeling a little smug? Indeed he was. He was quite proud that he had managed to sneak up on them and eavesdrop without making a noise in his disabled state. He thanked his mom when she brought him tea as well, before smiling cheekily at the other men at the table. "So," he began, the drumming stopping as he clapped his palm onto the table. "Ask away, I'll answer to the best of my ability."

"You're going to be honest with us, right?" Juzo asked, eyeing him critically. He wanted so badly to believe that his little brother wouldn't hide anything else, but he was well aware that he wasn't the person he reported to.

"Got it," he hummed, putting up two peace signs. "I'll be as honest as I can be." In other words, he would still be withholding information. There were certain things that he had to keep on the down-low. "Confidentiality and all that." He moved to take a drink of his tea. "Ball is in your court."

That was the hard part. Where did they start? Yaozo sighed heavily, hoping someone would say something. When no one else did, he groaned. He could feel Renzou's gaze on him expectantly. He supposed he was the one who led the discussions usually, so it only made sense. He held on to his cup, grounding himself. "Where are they?" he asked. "The Illuminati, I mean. Where are they hiding?"

Renzou had expected that. Unfortunately, it was one of the questions he couldn't truthfully answer. Luckily for him, he already had a believable lie prepared. "I couldn’t truly say," he hummed, index finger tracing the rim of his cup. "They're always moving around, and they stopped telling me where we were when they started getting suspicious of me. Made it pretty hard to plan anything, if I'm honest." To those that didn't know the Illuminati well, this was something that could be probable. As long as they bought it, Renzou was clear.

Yaozo frowned. It hadn't been the answer he had hoped for, but it was _something_ at the very least. He nodded, accepting Renzou's answer before moving on to his next question. "What are their plans? Are they working on something?"

Ah, a good question, albeit not one he could fully answer. _Time to be honest and vague,_ he mused, before speaking. "I know that they were planning on another attack in Tokyo; they were looking for Rin." This had been true at one point. That plan had been placed on the back burner, however. "They only gave me minimal information though, got told that my job was just to follow orders and not stick my nose where it doesn't belong." He snickered as he took a drink, but then made an **_MMN_** sound as if he just remembered something. "Oh yeah! And they also threatened to decimate Kyoto when I started acting up." Oops.

That made Juzo choke on his tea. He coughed into his sleeve harshly, trying to get the tea out of his airways. He then looked at Renzou incredulously, voice strained from coughing so hard. " _ **Decimate**_?! How can you say that so casually, like we're talking about the weather?!"

Renzou didn't reply at first, expression blank and emotionless. It reminded Juzo of the porcelain dolls that seemed to just stare into your soul. "You told me to be honest," he replied with a hint of annoyance. "Or did you not want me to tell you that?" He continued to stare, waiting for an answer. Juzo slowly looked down at the table, avoiding Renzou's gaze. Renzou sat up a bit and stretched. "I thought so."

"So what you're saying is," Tatsuma mumbled. "That this is an active threat we need to prepare for?"

He grinned, making a clicking sound as he did finger guns at the Suguro head. " _Bingo!_ I thought it should be mentioned since, ya know…" He gestured to himself. "I'm not complying with orders." He watched his father jot the information in a notebook out of the corner of his eye. Good.

Juzo sighed, clearing his throat. Knowing the truth of Renzou's job, he couldn't help but wonder about something. "Why haven’t you been in contact with the Tokyo Branch Manager?" He frowned. "You are, or were, working under him for the Order, you would've had to report to him, wouldn't you? But even he didn't know what happened to you." At least that's what they had been told. How much of it had been true was uncertain.

Renzou blinked rapidly, having to take a moment to switch his focus. "Wha…? Oh! You mean Mephisto, yeah?" Once he got confirmation, he gave a half shrug. "I tried."

"What do you mean you tried?"

"Did I stutter?" He got a warning look from his father. "I said _I tried_. They cut off all my lines of communication with the world outside of the Illuminati. Took the battery out of my phone, and confiscated anything that wasn’t given to me by them. I think they figured out I was, and I quote, 'up to something'." Truthfully, Renzou's phone had been in pretty bad shape; the brothers had been shocked that he had been able to call them it was so mangled. "You have no idea what I had to do to get my shit back, it took a lot of planning. Though most of it was pretty trashed by the time I found them again." His hands dropped into his lap. "Can't really contact anybody if you've been completely isolated from the world."

"That's fair…"

Tatsuma hummed, clearly in thought as he stroked his chin. "I'm curious, but the fact that you're here makes it obvious you got out." He looked up at Renzou, concerned curiosity in his eyes. "Did they let you go? Or did you escape?" He knew it was a sort of stupid question. Of course they wouldn't have just let him go, but it was worth taking note.

Renzou snorted, before just falling into a fit of giggles. He couldn't help it, it was such a stupid question to him. He had to take a minute to pull himself together, forehead on the table. He soon sat up, still laughing a little. "Sorry, sorry, I know it was a legitimate question. It was just funny."

Tatsuma wasn't offended and chuckled a little at Renzou's apology. "It's alright. Please continue."

He then sighed, getting comfortable again. "Seriously though, do you think they would just let me go? When they had a perfect weapon? That's just laughable. They needed me. Or, well…" He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "Actually, they needed Yamantaka. Who needs the details anyway?" He shifted with a hum. "Ya know they told me several times that was the only reason I was still alive was for Yamantaka. Otherwise, they would have killed me." He was so casual about it like he was just telling a story. "Anyway, they wouldn't let me out of their sights after all that, there was always someone around to keep an eye on me."

"You've been there for _four years_!" Juzo replied quickly. "If you've been there for so long, why did you escape? I would have thought if that was an issue you would have left sooner!"

"One would think, huh?" Renzou hummed, tracing the rim of his cup again. "Let me answer your question with one of my own: How would you escape a high-security area when you have someone watching your every move?" There was a long silence, to which Renzou smirked. "Exactly. It took a lot of careful planning to even come up with a way to even attempt some kind of escape. I think I spent over a year carefully making sure I had everything perfectly in place to get myself away." He hadn't meant to be gone for so long, honestly. It hadn't been part of the plan. He sighed quietly, fingers drumming on the table. For a moment, he just looked so tired. "Anyway, to answer your question: Well first there was this 'specialized training'. Essentially, they were tests to extend my use of Yamantaka. Since that was all I was good for they wanted to push my limits with him."

Yaozo remembered how exhausted Renzo used to get when practicing, very clearly in fact. By the time he had originally joined the Illuminati, he was only able to hold control for five minutes or so. He suspected he had gotten better at it, but it was safe to assume he would still pass out. "What were these tests?"

"For the first year it was pretty low-key; they'd have me hooked to some machines to track my heart, brain waves, all that kind of stuff, and have me Summon Yamantaka for as long as I was able. Sometimes it was multiple times a day if I was lucky." That was pure unrated sarcasm. "Anyway, it eventually escalated to sudden sparring matches. And those sparring matches got longer, harder…if I lost consciousness it was likely that I would wake up to cold water being thrown on my face to continue; it was pretty brutal." He finished his tea before he continued. "It was kind of like I had to keep proving myself useful, that I had enough control on Yamantaka to be worth their time." It was almost like they were just looking for _something_. Maybe their attempted overuse of Yamantaka was part of this, part of why he couldn't walk and all the markings. But that was something he had to determine himself. "I don't think I've ever felt as exhausted as I was…"

There was a moment of silence as they took in the information, and Yaozo noted a few details Renzou had given them. There was a lot more to this than they had anticipated. Maybe it really hadn't been an option to come back. Tatsuma was the first to break the silence, gesturing across the table at Renzou's wrist. "When did these start showing up?" They all knew he hadn't had them the last time they saw him.

Renzou blinked absently, not picking up what Tatsuma meant at first. "Huh? Oh, these?" He lifted his hand, letting his sleeve drop to his elbow. At a nod, he set his arm on the table and started tracing them with his opposite finger. His lips pursed as he tried to remember. "Uhm…I'd say about a year or so ago? Somewhere around there. I figured it was from summoning Yamantaka so much, so I kind of didn’t pay attention to it at first." He gave a sheepish grin.

"Was there a particular area where they started from?" Yaozo asked, raising a brow as he looked at his youngest son. He had a theory, but he didn't feel that saying it out loud was wise.

Renzou stared at the ceiling as he tried to recall where he first noticed it. "Uhmmmm, I think on my back? Cause by the time I noticed it was like, creeping over my shoulder.."

Tatsuma and Yaozo exchanged a look, before nodding. "Renzou, we need you to take off the top of the yukata for us to look at your back," his father ordered in as gentle of a voice as he could manage. It wasn't very good, but at least he sort of looked concerned.

He blinked a few times but shrugged as he did as he was asked. As he slid the fabric off his shoulders, the three shifted over to take a look. No matter how many times they saw the web of black on Renzou's skin, it was still mildly shocking each time. Sure enough, in the middle of his back along his spine was the Mantra of Yamantaka, essentially branded into his skin. The black tendrils sprouted from an oblong ring around the mantra. Most of the marks were faded; the brand on his back was darkest, and almost looked enflamed. It was both amazing, and terrifying. Yaozo's jaw clenched a bit, a look of familiarity flashing through his eyes.

Tatsuma traced over some of the marks. "It looks lighter than it did the other night," he commented. "Does it fade in and out of visibility often?"

Renzou shrugged slightly. "Kind of? I think it might be dependent on Yamantaka. If I don't summon him for a while, they tend to get lighter. Well. Unless he's mad at me." He gestured to his legs. "He can be quite bratty." He ignored the growling in the back of his mind from the God.

They slowly settled back into their seats. Tatsuma looked intrigued, but Yaozo looked extremely concerned, more so than his family generally saw. Juzo watched his little brother for a moment. "So…how did you get out? How did you get into the condition Kinzou and I found you in?"

"I planted a few traps in hopes of a distraction. Actually, it was more than a few, I had them all hidden for quite a while. They spread out over the entirety of the area, timed too. Everything had to be perfect." He laughed sheepishly. "Obviously that didn’t work so well because I got caught, but I digress." He hadn't bothered to put his Yukata back on yet, just stretching widely. "I got caught before everything went off, I was coming out of the room where they were keeping my personal belongings, which of course started the attacks through the airship." He could hear Yamantaka chuckling darkly. He had enjoyed it too much. "All those training matches came in handy, though. We were able to predict some moves, which probably saved my damn life. But yeah, just me and Yamantaka, versus the entire Illuminati. Not an easy feat."

Renzou frowned when he heard the God speaking. **[We would have gotten a lot farther if you would have listened and used my full potential.]**

"But once we got to the end of the ship," he continued, ignoring him. "We got cornered. I was struggling to keep consciousness--I still don't know how I managed to last as long as I did." He looked Juzo in the eye. "And I think I gave myself acrophobia, by the way."

The eldest son blinked. "Acro--a fear of heights?"

Renzou nodded quickly. "I mean when you have the choice of being brutally killed by people for betraying them or jumping carelessly from an airship high enough up that you're above the clouds, what would you do?"

" _ **You jumped off the airship?!**_ " Yaozo shouted. He really did almost lose another son. The implication got him stuck in a loop for a moment. Takezo had fallen off a cliff to his death. Renzou had jumped off an airship, and honestly should be dead. "That's…Renzou that’s 12 kilometers at **most**! You could have _**died**_! In fact, from that height, you _should_ have died!" Juzo recognized the panic in his father's voice; the same panic as when he had told his father what happened to Takezo. He silently hoped Renzou could pick up on the worried panic. "How the _hell_ did you survive?!"

"See, that's the thing," Renzou hummed, looking at Tatsuma instead of his father. "I fully expected to just pancake on the ground." He made a splattering sound as his hand hit the table. Classy. "I remember hitting the ground. Had the air knocked out of me, like if I had just fallen from a tree or something dumb like that. And I think it had to do with Yamantaka, like he slowed the fall or like, absorbed the impact or something."

**[Of course I did, you're more beneficial ALIVE. We have duties, you can't fulfill those if you're DEAD.]**

"Yup, he just confirmed it."

**[You're so ungrateful.]**

The tamer opened his mouth to continue speaking, only to stop and hiss in pain. An unmistakable smell filled the room, making the other men gag a bit and cover their noses and mouths. The scent of burning flesh. Azami came to investigate, coughing as the smell drifted into the kitchen. From where she was, she could see Renzou's bare back. Yamantaka's Mantra was burning. The skin around it was so red it was almost purple, and some spots had started bleeding from blisters. She swore loudly, going to her baby boy. "Dammit--Juzo! Go get a cold wet towel!" She looked the burns over. "Make that a few of them. Now!" When Juzo finally scrambled up and ran, she looked to Tatsuma. "Go get our first aid kit, the big one," she barked. As Tatsuma left as ordered, she got up and dragged her husband off to the side to talk. " _You see that?_ " she hissed at Yaozo. " _He's not strong enough, his own body can't hold Yamantaka like this!_ "

Yaozo didn't say anything at first, watching as Juzo came running with a couple of wet towels, Kinzou in tow with a few more. He opened his mouth, and for a moment, no sound came out. " _I…I don't know why, he was just as healthy as_ \--"

" _Don't say it._ " She smacked his shoulder, scowling. " _He isn't Takezo, so don't you dare say it. Haven't you done enough damage with that?_ " When Juzo had asked about the baby pictures, she had been made more aware of the constant comparisons. She had never noticed, but looking back it made sense.

" _What do you want me to say?!_ " Yaozo hissed. " _They had the same constitution, in fact, Renzou was healthier_ \--"

" _You know what the difference is? You let Takezo explore and form a bond with Yamantaka._ " She gestured toward her other sons. " _But Renzou? The day he accidentally summoned him, you immediately started putting him through training. He_ \--"

" _I had to get him started, we knew the potential_ \--"

Azami didn't even bother to keep quiet, letting her sons and Tatsuma take care of her baby boy. "You made a _three-year-old_ child afraid of his own gift!" The house went silent for a moment. "Yaozo, you started pushing a three-year-old to summon something he was _afraid_ of, putting him through rigorous training at age five when you didn't even start that with Takezo until he was ten!" He opened his mouth to respond, only for Azami to cut him off. "There was a reason that he would hide from you when he heard you calling, and it wasn't just because he was being lazy or goofing off." She stepped away from him after giving him a small shove. "That is why this is happening to him."

Yaozo stood there, pinching the bridge of his nose as his wife went to her children, taking over for Tatsuma. He couldn't argue, because he knew she was right. He had messed up a lot more than he thought. It had never occurred to him that the boy had been afraid. Renzou had never expressed his fear the same as his brothers, so he wouldn't have noticed even if it slapped him in the face. That was probably the worst part.

Unbeknownst to them, Ryuji had heard everything. He had decided to come back by to tell them about Izumo's agreement to come, but when he had heard Renzou talking, he had decided to just wait. Listening to the conversation had answered a lot of questions that had been tumbling in his head, which took some weight off his shoulders. Even then, it was a lot to process. When the conversation had died, Ryuji had left, making a stop in the living area when he saw his mom still up. He was a grown-ass man, and yet, he felt like a small child for a moment. "Hey, ma?" When she looked back at him, he continued. "Can we talk…?"

"Of course we can," Torako replied, patting the spot beside her. "What's troubling you? You're scowling again." She may have been the harsher parent, but Ryuji was still her only child. She could still be caring, especially now that he didn't look like he had a rooster's comb. That had one of her biggest pet peeves when he was a teenager. "Is it about Renzou again?"

"You could say that," he grumbled, grunting as he sat with her. He crossed his legs, resting his elbows on his knees. "I went back to the Shimas' after getting Rin calmed down and in line. And I could hear him talking to our dads and his brother. So I just eavesdropped."

"Ryuji, that's rude."

"I know, but I wasn't thinking straight. I was hoping I'd get some answers." He pinched the bridge of his nose with a sigh. "I did, but they weren't what I was expecting. It's left me with more questions and I don't know if I want to know the truth." He sat up a bit, taking a deep breath.

Torako watched his body language, as subtle as it was: the way his brows were upturned, the absent way he kept brushing his fingers together, and the way he couldn't seem to decide on how he wanted to sit, going between irritated and worried. It was like watching a pendulum swing. She took a breath. "Ryuji, my son, I understand that Renzou's absence has been hard on you--"

"Hard?" He barked a laugh as he got up to pace. "It's been more than hard, ma, it's almost _impossible_ to put into words." Torako was angry at his attitude, but let him rant. "Every time I saw something that I knew he would like, I almost turned around to point it out to him, only to have no one to talk to. It's like a chunk of me was missing and I couldn't do anything about it-- _I tried!_ I looked for him, I even tried dating again to try and fill that void, and _nothing worked!_ I drowned myself in work and studying to avoid the empty feeling in my gut, and it just made everything worse, made me look even harder for _something, anything_ that would tell me where he was, or that he was at least _alive!_ I was so angry--I still am--that I would go beyond my limits just to let it out because I refused to take it out on the others."

He paused and ran his hands through his dark hair. "And now I have these answers of why he never contacted anyone, why it was as if he had never existed, that he wanted to come back to us." Ryuji stopped and looked at his mom. "Ma, he jumped out of the damn airship! He jumped out of the airship with _no regard for his own life._ " He let out a weak laugh, barely keeping his eyes from watering. The mental image his mind had created was torturing him. A fabricated image of Renzou, laying on the ground with blood coming out of all his facial orifices, brains splattered across the snow--it wouldn't leave his head. " _Ma, I almost lost him completely, and I feel like I don't have the damn right to be angry if he was in a situation where he felt that was his only option!_ "

Torako stayed quiet for a moment, taking in the information before she sighed heavily. She would chew him out for the attitude later when he wasn't so vulnerable. She got up and went to her son, reaching up and making him look her in the face. "Ryuji. _Breathe_. Focus on me." If there was anyone who knew what it was like to have such strong emotions, it was Torako. Emotion-wise, she and her son were on the same wavelength; she had been told more than once that they fed off each others' energy. She waited until Ryuji locked eyes with her and took a few deep breaths. "Good. Now. I want you to listen to me 'cause mamma is about to give you some tough love." Ryuji nodded with a soft _okay_. "I understand that finding out Renzou was part of the Illuminati was a hard blow. I won't pretend to know the emotions you felt, because I have never been in that situation. You were, and still are, heartbroken. That is going to take time and work to heal, and only you two can do that. If he chose a dangerous way out that almost got him killed, that was his decision to make. " He opened his mouth to speak, only for her to put a finger to his lips. "I'm not finished."

Ryuji sighed and nodded, letting his mother continue. "I repeat," she continued. "That was his own decision to make. You know as well as I do that Renzou is very clever when he sets his mind to something. There's a high chance that he had exhausted all his safe options. You know he would have considered all options and their consequences thoroughly. Right?" He managed a small nod. "Do you believe that?" Another nod. She squished his face, making Ryuji groan in displeasure. "Chances are, all his backup plans failed him, and that was his last resort. You still have every right to feel anger. You can feel that anger, and still be concerned. Just like every time I hear you're on a big and dangerous mission."

He nodded, eyes flicking to the ground as Torako let go of his face. " _Okay ma…I'm angry but if he had died I couldn't bear it. Even if it had happened when he was missing, I would fall apart._ "

"I know," she hummed. "But he's here now, right? And he's alive too. You know you can't dwell on the 'what-ifs', because they've already passed. Focus on the now." She smiled, before smacking his arm. "Now go take a bath. It'll do you some good to relax, maybe then you'll get a decent night's rest for once."

[Yamantaka Mantra found [Here](https://ibb.co/FgWgQjf)]

**Author's Note:**

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